Broke, Alone, and Dangerous, but Still in Search of a Date

It’s easy to scroll through our numerous social media timelines and see complaints about the dating scene. We’ve discussed those difficulties right here on the blog. According to a recent report from a NYU professor, Scott Calloway, the ‘dating crisis’ is real.  The result of more women becoming educated, means that many men who have never received formal education are being left without dating options.

            Wall Street Journal recently reported that nearly 60% of college students are women. This is great news for women, not so great news for men who aren’t considering education. Women with degrees are usually looking for mates whose education level is the same or surpasses their own. Men who have difficulty staying employed and who never pursued formal education are being left out of the dating pool. Prof. Calloway believes that the lack of viable mating options for the class of men who are broke and alone, makes them a dangerous group, but I don’t believe that dating is the answer to this problem.

            What Prof. Calloway is describing, is a growing number of men who are being fed by anti-women, anti-progressive rhetoric. On the internet they’re called Incels. Incel is an abbreviation for the phrase ‘involuntarily celibate’, people who self-define, as being unable to get a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one.

            There are numerous articles covering the danger and rage of incels , so why do people think providing a violent group of men a family to funnel their rage toward is a good idea?

 “I don’t think men have to go to school to make money, or even to not be dangerous. If someone wants a family, money is important but not as important as character.”, said John Rogers, 35.

Rogers has an accounting degree but drives for InstaCart while he pursues other interest. He is a father already, but still unmarried. He doesn’t fall in the incel category by any measure, but he agreed with me that love doesn’t cure violence, but it certainly does prevent love from growing. 

I think it’s important for men to invest in their own future, as well as their mental health if they truly desire building healthy families and not just being coupled out of pity, or male entitlement.

The current social climate sees an emergence of nontraditional couplings of a large variety. People no longer feel restricted to only forming family structures under the traditional framework of the nuclear family that is, man, woman, and child. This shift in societal norms is revealing who was previously protected by the stringent laws of the past that were solely designed to protect a patriarchal hierarchy. A group of men who could shield themselves behind entering a legal marriage with a child bride, abusing single mothers, or their own biological families.

Sasha Travis, 32, is a single woman currently finishing her master’s in social work at the University of Washington, she had this to say about her dating goals, “Starting a family is not my priority right now. I will be done with school soon, but I still need time to start my career, and while dating is fun, you meet a lot of creeps and weirdos. They can ruin it for the larger group. It gets exhausting after a while. It’s easier to just focus on myself.”

  Focusing on yourself is paying off big time for women. The increase in degree obtaining women, means larger salaries and a more equal distributions of resources. This is better in the long-term for women, but what to make of the dating scene? That’s still to be seen. What I do know is that if incels are dangerous to the society around them, we need a culture shift, not more dates.

Programs used: Word

Date: 9/30/21

Al-Arshani, S. (2021, September 25). An NYU professor says fewer men going to college will lead to a 'mating crisis' with the US producing too many 'broke and alone' men. Yahoo! News. Retrieved September 30, 2021, from https://news.yahoo.com/nyu-professor-says-fewer-men-021341108.html.

Tolentino, J., & Farrow, J. M. and R. (2018, May 15). The rage of the incels. The New Yorker. Retrieved September 30, 2021, from https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/the-rage-of-the-incels.

Keep Your Day Job

In this new millennial era, it seems the most uncool thing any young person can have is a 9-5. Everywhere we look there are young people starting businesses, creating career lanes, and encouraging each other to chase their dreams before chasing a paycheck. For most of us, working the same job for 30 years sounds like the closest thing to death by monotony. So what do you do when you have a 9-5 and a dream, and all your peers seem to be thriving with their dreams but without their jobs? You keep working.

Perception is everything, but reality is a different thing. The struggling artist/entrepreneur prototype is still a thing. For millennials who have complex identities besides being born after 1985. For those who are raising children, supporting their parents, or trying to keep up with the gentrifying surroundings of their city, quitting your day job is not only a bad idea, but it could set you back from your ultimate goal.

Bills are still relevant. Now more than ever. Rising healthcare cost, staggering student loan debt, and skyrocketing cost of living make it impossible to drop everything without a plan. It is not wise to quit your day job without being able to keep your day to day needs afloat. Everyone’s situation is different. I know artist who will always have a safety net either in the form of friends or family that will support them by providing a roof and a hot meal. I also know artist who have to work all day and stay up all night perfecting their craft.  I am an artist who is also a single mother, who manages to draw, paint, write and edit, in between cooking meals and keeping my home organized. Not to mention my 9 to 5. My dreams are a priority but fall at number 3 on the list with my daughter and bills sitting at one and two. There are creatives who busted their ass to build a career while simultaneously maintaining a day job. Crissles, from the ground breaking podcast “The Read”, detailed how she didn’t quit her day job until she was absolutely sure she could maintain without it.

A day job provides parameters around your work, a system that requires discipline to create in a home environment. Whether starting a business or creating art, you need to write emails, you need to take calls, and you need to maintain a calendar. No one gets to their version of success without organization and systematic progression.

Providing for yourself and your family is a noble cause. Not all of us will have a team of supporters, help from parents, or a million-dollar loan from our fathers, word to Donald Trump. Our day jobs are a means to an end, not a life sentence. Your ambition and work ethic will be the difference between success and complacency. As long as you keep working, little by little, day by day, you will continue to progress. The one thing most entrepreneurs fail to say is that it took them years, sometimes even decades to reach a point of no longer needing a day job.

Get off the internet and focus on your craft. The reward will be the life you always dreamed of and a career you designed yourself. Entrepreneurship isn’t easy, being an artist is even harder. Most of the greats died without ever seeing the impact their work had on the world. Being an artist and being an entrepreneur are two different things, and while there are more lanes to profit off of the creation of art, the decision to create artistically shouldn’t be based on profit, but that’s a story for a different piece.

j.h.

Young, Black, and Corporate: 3 Ways I Went From 18k to 57k in 5 Years

In September of 2011 I moved into my first apartment, post break up with the father of my child. I was making $8.65/hr plus tips being a barista at a drive thru only Starbucks. I loved my job. I had a manager who was nearly the same age as me and all my co-workers meshed well together, I even grew to call some of them my friends. I looked forward to going to work because every day was a lot of laughs sprinkled in with hard work. My rent was $765 a month not including utilities and although I had to combine my bi-weekly paychecks to pay it all, I was comfortable and happy.

My only complaint was my unpredictable schedule. With a small toddler, who was spending more and more time away from mom at pre-school I hated having to take her to school on my days off and most of the time I didn’t. But being the futurist I am, I knew I couldn’t maintain this balance forever, especially when my daughter started elementary school, I decided it was time to find the dreaded 9-5.

Ahead of the millennial wave, when social media was still in its infancy, working a 9-5 was not the curse we’ve made it out to be. For many of us that are still in school building skills, trying to identify what our passion is, or just trying to keep a roof over our heads, a stable job with moderate pay is still essential. I had a limited work history and an incomplete college degree I had to formulate a plan. 

In a year I managed to grow my salary from $18,000/yr to 35,000/yr. Present day, I’ve made the leap from $35,000/yr to $57,000/yr. I did this all by strategizing and making pay my priority. I started with a temp agency and sorted through a ton of Craigslist I worked 7 jobs in the span of 18 months, in a variety of fields. From hospitality to start ups to marine insurance. I finally landed a job I wanted to keep at the Federal Home Loan Bank in their Business Technology department. I did well but not great enough to stay on with the bank permanently.

After leaving the bank I did a two year stint at the biggest retailer in the world, Amazon.com, which took my resume and profile from random submission to recruited candidate. I now work as an Executive Assistant at a prestigious University and my goals are bigger still. Read below to find what three rules I’ve carried with me.

Always be Impressive, Never Impressed

Being Black in corporate America has often called for ass kissing but I don’t partake in that tradition. What I choose to focus my time and talent on is doing the job and doing it well. While my movement in my varied positions has been lateral, my pay has always increased. Why? Because I focus on building skills more so than being impressed. My boss is my boss, no amount of ego stroking and praise will change that. I can influence my boss with my value. Once you’ve established yourself as a valuable employee, you gain more flexibility to take on projects that of one’s self interest. Self-directed projects allow you to learn new skills outside of those which fit your job description, which makes you an even more valuable employee.

Collect Skills not Contacts

Happy hours are weaved into the structure of the corporate world. A great opportunity to network and build relationships with your co-workers, being introverted (like myself) makes this difficult. If your goals are similar to mine and your more focused on entrepreneurship than a promotion, your attention would be better used building skills. As I stated in the previous paragraph building skills creates value. Gaining new skills also gives you well rounded experience to take on several aspects of managing your own business. Gaining new skills can increase your pay without taking on an entirely new position.

Create an Undeniable Resume

Resumes are your first impression. You want to make sure you’re as impressive as possible. You always want to align your resume to the job or industry you are applying for. Study the job description and extract the skill you’ve perfected in your previous roles. Use varied but relevant vocabulary and keep your resume confined to one page. An impeccable resume will get your foot in the door and the rest is up to you and your interview skills. I’m far more charming in person, at least when I can talk about myself.

Stay tuned for more tips on networking and resume building, but I hope my readers have found this useful.

Love & Light