Sex and The Single Mom: Baby Making Blues

In recent years, I’ve realized that just as many women, single, married or somewhere in between, are growing more and more adverse to pregnancy. With studies claiming that Millennial women are 50% more likely to experience depression during their pregnancies, than their mothers, it is not a stretch to reason why. With increased cost of living, cost of education, and the fight against generational poverty, many millennial parents are opting for one or two kids only. Some are opting for none at all. In a society in flux, where civil liberties seem to be increasing by the day and gender roles have become archaic, there is variety where there used to be none at all. Now more than ever, women get to choose when and where the right time to have a baby is.

For the vast majority of us, we hope that we meet our match, marry, produce children and raise a family. That is the “ideal” experience. Life doesn’t always play out so smoothly and sometimes single parents are stuck trying to decide if they want more children, and if so what is the best way to build on a mold you no longer fit into. In my first installation of Sex and the Single Mom series, I wrote about the difficulties of dating as a single mother and what that means. Through my own experience, I’ve realized wanting to have children as a single woman is a night and day experience from wanting to have one as a single mother. There is a healthy dose of naivete that comes along with wanting children simply because you’re in love with your partner. Experiencing the pitfalls of parenting and then opting out of the marriage portion, cultivates a wisdom that can only come from life experience.

Mothers, both single and married, can agree that an effective partner in co-parenting is just as essential as any other element of a functioning relationship between adults. Sometimes, people who are great partners don’t immediately become great parents, and awesome parents aren’t always awesome partners. It’s a tricky conundrum to navigate without idealism. So, what happens when a mother wants another child but doesn’t want the same experience they had with the previous father? In my case, I’m terrified about giving my next child a lesser father since my daughter’s dad is exemplary in his duties. Evaluating a lover for relationship and parenting potential has often made me want to give up the idea of having another child. In the air of “Why mess up a good thing?”. Even for those mothers who have had poor relationships with their co-parents, the fear of not wanting to repeat those experiences can be debilitating.

So what can you do, when you want another child but not another head or heartache? You take your time. You honor your intentions by stating them upfront, and you do a serious deep dive on yourself. Identify the ways in which you feel you have been a strong parent and identify the areas you think you need improvement in. Examine the relationship with your current co-parent and do the same exercise of identifying strengths and weaknesses. Lastly, plan for the worst, even if it’s not something you speak on out loud. When I asked a friend’s mom, why she chose to have only one child, she replied, “ I knew I could comfortably provide for one child, and I never wanted to have more children than I could afford by myself.” That single piece of advice stuck with me more than anything else. It was essential for me to identify that I could raise my children on my own income in the event their fathers weren’t able or unwilling to provide their portion. So, while a potential partner’s income is important to me, it’s more important that my money is right.

A good partner and parent should be willing to pitch in where ever, whenever. They should be family oriented, respectful, generous, and loving. This means watching for red flags that will typically appear in how they engage with their own parents and families. Do they speak of their parents in admiration or contempt? Do they see themselves as a parent? What type of parent do they want to be? Women are often too bashful in expressing their desires, in fear of chasing off potential suitors. Enough of that. Anyone who is serious about you should be able to answer all of these questions. They don’t need to be asked on the first date, in fact I recommend you don’t ask any of these questions on the first date, outside of “Do you want children?”. Apply tact and strategy, don’t simply be led by your emotions. Treat yourself like the best option and the best options will gravitate to you, or better yet, you’ll be able to see clearly, who isn’t for you.

Deciding to have a child as a single mother is a difficult decision, as it is for many parents both single and married. It takes so much effort, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally to birth and rear children. We shouldn’t make the decision lightly or base it simply off something as fleeting and temporary as “love” can be. We should think about the fact that having children creates familial connections whether parents chose to stay together or not. You will share grandchildren and big milestone events. You’ll share holidays, extracurricular activities, and day to day responsibilities. Pick a partner who compliments you and your parenting style. Chose a partner you can respect on all levels, even if you inevitably split. Chose a partner you trust to make decisions for your children in the same way that you do. Ideally we should have a good parent and a good partner all rolled in one, but if having children is a priority for your future relationships, pick a good parent first, a good partner will usually follow.

J.H.

Sex and The Single Mom: Dating 101

• Note: Writing this piece was difficult because the nuance around single motherhood is so vast. I found it challenging to condense the results of my feelings, research, and observations to just 1000 words. Sex and The Single Mom will be a series of essay style writings that reflect on the different aspects of single motherhood. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this first piece. My personal perspective. 

   I was 21 when I officially became a single mother, and dating has been mostly a challenge for me. Dating in general comes with its own batch of frustrations, but young motherhood creates a unique system of adversities. Balancing my life, my daughter’s life, and finding a viable partnership that is not based on convincing someone you’re not a compilation of stereotypes can be downright exhausting.

   I’ve made my fair number of missteps, rushed into one relationship, was too casual with another.  Heartbreak sent me into a forced isolation which helped me see my marital and family goals with clarity. At 28, my mindset on dating has shifted. My daughter has a mother and a father who both love her dearly and contribute equally to her well-being.  I’m not hindered by thoughts of needing validation, a ticking biological clock, or loneliness. I’ve often joked with my friends, that I will either get married and have more children, or stay single until 40 and date a divorcee with grown kids, who I can travel the world with.  Companionship is less of a need for me, than a desire, but it’s a strong desire nonetheless. My story is unique, I have help and a strong village to support me, but that isn’t the story for every mother.

 I’ve never seen myself as lacking anything. Regardless of the consensus on single motherhood. Stereotypes of poverty and desperation hover over single moms from all around the globe.  In some nations, the stereotype rings true. The poverty rate for working single parent households in the U.S. is 32%. In comparison, Japan’s rate is 56% , in the U.K. 47% . Women on average are paid less than their male counterparts, so the evidence that single motherhood could cause financial hardship is most certainly there. Financial needs may drive women into the wrong relationships, keep them from dating outside of their socioeconomic status, or just flat out keep them single because the emotional and mental energy required to date, simply isn’t there.

  Single mothers worry about a plethora of pitfalls.  Child predators, insincere suitors, emotional IQ or lack thereof, and financial leeches. Since single mothers are often in a vulnerable position, there are many predatory personalities to be aware of. Having a carefree approach to dating and relationships is not a luxury most mothers can afford. Instead of viewing this perspective as a burden, I find it empowering. By knowing what you won’t accept, you have a clearer picture of what you will.

  7 years of dating, relationships, and heartbreak has made me acutely aware of the effects my love life has on my daughter. I know that she is looking to me, to set the precedent for how a man should be allowed to treat her.  While her interest in boys is still non-existent, I know that the day where they go from annoying to attractive is approaching quickly. Someone who does not serve my mental and emotional well-being, effectively challenges hers as well. A cost too lofty for me to pay for any man. My standards have increased with age and wisdom. 

  The checklist is long, but achievable and well deserved. I have placated men in the past, leveraging my own shortcomings with theirs. If I have this amount of baggage, they should be able to have theirs too.  I carry my added weight with grace. I give my daughter what she needs, and when I need help, I call her father. We co-parent effectively. The idea that I should accept someone else’s baggage because I have my own has melted away. I don’t have baggage.

   Mother, artist, entrepreneur, is my present reality. I am too busy for numerous “Wyd” text throughout the day, and too bored to pretend I don’t see the red flags of a man who is more invested in pussy than purpose. I can’t be available last minute. And sometimes I’ll “flake” last minute cause my child needs my attention more. Dating can be fun, and for the most part it is. Horror stories aside, assessing and examining suitors through the lens of single motherhood has helped me tremendously. I don’t waste time. I speak candidly, and while reciprocity is always wanted, spending time trying to convince someone to love me properly is an irresponsible use of my energy.

  I still want to get married, and I would love to have more children. I genuinely enjoy being a mother, regardless of the circumstances. I take that responsibility very seriously.  I can wait for the right partner to materialize, and if he never does, I can be content with that too. There is too much at stake in raising happy, whole children. My legacy is a living, breathing, 9-year-old, with a lot of confidence and plenty of sass. The partner that is best for me, will breathe life into me, and support me in being the best mother I can be right now. It will nurture my sanity and fertilize my goals. The evidence for what I bring to the table is apparent in the health of my child.

  Single moms are not for the weak-hearted. There is an added layer of responsibility. There is a high level of patience, security, and self-esteem required. In exchange you’ll get a skillset that is unmatched by most. Supreme multitasker, expert financial planner, and a woman who can literally run a household with one hand. Single mothers are amazing. The world takes them for granted, but that has no merit on how we should view ourselves. Don’t settle for less than what you know you deserve, your babies are watching.

I Decided Not to Fight Homelessness

I’m usually a very private person. I don’t usually discuss my personal shortcomings openly unless I have wrestled with it and settled on my own feelings about it. It’s a tool I’ve had in my arsenal for years. It provides time for me to reflect without influence, and maintains this very stoic, brave, and tough outer shell. Internally, I’m wrestling with so many issues at once, I’m almost too scatterbrained to be organized. The sole root of all my material issues is money. Whether it’s the crushing weight of student loan debt, or trying to make sure every commercialized holiday is exciting for my 7 year old, or just getting the bills paid on time. I spend a lot of time thinking about money.

While I have made steady advancements in my career over the last 4 years, each position I’ve taken has been accompanied with a pay increase. As far as income is concerned I am in a class among my peers that complains about tax returns, stock price decreases, and the overwhelming cost of living that continues to increase month after month in Seattle. According to a national study in the Journal of Urban affairs, every time rent increases $100, homelessness increases by 15%. I’ve watched the rental rates jump from $1,000 to $2,400 in just two months’ time.

So here I am in a situation that has indeed left me homeless. Bad credit and the obsession to create stability for my daughter has left me scrounging up $2,250 a month, just for rent. And while I may not always pay on time, I always pay. This past weekend I received the news that my landlords would no longer be accepting my money, and that they were going to file legal action to have me removed from my home. A week prior to this conversation I was asked about whether I had a copy of the leasing agreement, because my landlords did not. I know my rights as a tenant but I decided instead to relinquish my rights to the property and gracefully start over from scratch, yet again. This was the third private home owner I have interacted with in 3 years, and they have all been terrible. When you need a place to stay, and your credit was ruined before you were even of age to ruin it, they jack up rent prices and offer very little in return for your money. They change leasing terms on a whim and drop by to pick up rent 3 days early. They knock on your door to ask personal questions about the company you keep and attempt to scald you like children for any misstep. Needless to say, they remind you often that you are just a tenant and where you are residing could never really feel like home.

I’ve kept all this in because I didn’t want to be judged, didn’t want to be called a bad mom, or irresponsible, when in reality I am the pillar of stability and responsibility for my immediate family. I am not only supporting my daughter. When I get in “binds” like this no one jumps to aid me because “She always figures it out.” The truth is, I do, I always figure it out. So in an effort to correct my credit, climb out of debt, and collect experiences, I will embrace my situational homelessness with open arms. I will not be any less commanding in my daughter’s life. I’ll have a cushy income and a lot of goals to knock down. I am cutting the ties of stability to test drive a freelance lifestyle.

Why? Because I am tired and weathered by the society that puts massive importance on receiving a standardized education and then ties astronomical debt to us before we ever step foot into the real world. Sick of having to be uncommonly strong and unmoved by hardship. Tired of battling egos with others who are no better or worse shape than me. I’ve been paying anywhere between $2,200 - $3,500 a month, just in living expenses, because that’s what I was told to do. I have been doing this by myself, with a little help here and there from others. I am relinquishing my faith in this system and putting my faith in God to lead me where I need to be. Taking things day by day and not stressing the future.

I am so outrageously grateful for the stability my daughter has in her paternal family. If it was not for her father and the force behind him that allows him to be everything she needs and then some I could not embark on this journey, I would be in a state of terror if this was not true for us. In that, I recognize my privilege. I have been offered a once a lifetime opportunity to shape my life on my own terms and I won’t take it lightly. We’ve all heard the saying “Be the change you want to see.” This is where I start. I get a chance to be artistically free, debt free, and most of all free of the deadly toxicity that is stress. This is just another bump on the road of life, there will still be those who judge, those who condemn, but I shared this because I know I’m not alone. This is a reality for so many, and the burden of this standardized way of living weighs more heavily on some than others. I hope to carve out a path that can help others who are struggling. Most importantly, I look to the future with joy and optimism because for once, I actually feel free.