Sex and The Single Mom: Baby Making Blues

In recent years, I’ve realized that just as many women, single, married or somewhere in between, are growing more and more adverse to pregnancy. With studies claiming that Millennial women are 50% more likely to experience depression during their pregnancies, than their mothers, it is not a stretch to reason why. With increased cost of living, cost of education, and the fight against generational poverty, many millennial parents are opting for one or two kids only. Some are opting for none at all. In a society in flux, where civil liberties seem to be increasing by the day and gender roles have become archaic, there is variety where there used to be none at all. Now more than ever, women get to choose when and where the right time to have a baby is.

For the vast majority of us, we hope that we meet our match, marry, produce children and raise a family. That is the “ideal” experience. Life doesn’t always play out so smoothly and sometimes single parents are stuck trying to decide if they want more children, and if so what is the best way to build on a mold you no longer fit into. In my first installation of Sex and the Single Mom series, I wrote about the difficulties of dating as a single mother and what that means. Through my own experience, I’ve realized wanting to have children as a single woman is a night and day experience from wanting to have one as a single mother. There is a healthy dose of naivete that comes along with wanting children simply because you’re in love with your partner. Experiencing the pitfalls of parenting and then opting out of the marriage portion, cultivates a wisdom that can only come from life experience.

Mothers, both single and married, can agree that an effective partner in co-parenting is just as essential as any other element of a functioning relationship between adults. Sometimes, people who are great partners don’t immediately become great parents, and awesome parents aren’t always awesome partners. It’s a tricky conundrum to navigate without idealism. So, what happens when a mother wants another child but doesn’t want the same experience they had with the previous father? In my case, I’m terrified about giving my next child a lesser father since my daughter’s dad is exemplary in his duties. Evaluating a lover for relationship and parenting potential has often made me want to give up the idea of having another child. In the air of “Why mess up a good thing?”. Even for those mothers who have had poor relationships with their co-parents, the fear of not wanting to repeat those experiences can be debilitating.

So what can you do, when you want another child but not another head or heartache? You take your time. You honor your intentions by stating them upfront, and you do a serious deep dive on yourself. Identify the ways in which you feel you have been a strong parent and identify the areas you think you need improvement in. Examine the relationship with your current co-parent and do the same exercise of identifying strengths and weaknesses. Lastly, plan for the worst, even if it’s not something you speak on out loud. When I asked a friend’s mom, why she chose to have only one child, she replied, “ I knew I could comfortably provide for one child, and I never wanted to have more children than I could afford by myself.” That single piece of advice stuck with me more than anything else. It was essential for me to identify that I could raise my children on my own income in the event their fathers weren’t able or unwilling to provide their portion. So, while a potential partner’s income is important to me, it’s more important that my money is right.

A good partner and parent should be willing to pitch in where ever, whenever. They should be family oriented, respectful, generous, and loving. This means watching for red flags that will typically appear in how they engage with their own parents and families. Do they speak of their parents in admiration or contempt? Do they see themselves as a parent? What type of parent do they want to be? Women are often too bashful in expressing their desires, in fear of chasing off potential suitors. Enough of that. Anyone who is serious about you should be able to answer all of these questions. They don’t need to be asked on the first date, in fact I recommend you don’t ask any of these questions on the first date, outside of “Do you want children?”. Apply tact and strategy, don’t simply be led by your emotions. Treat yourself like the best option and the best options will gravitate to you, or better yet, you’ll be able to see clearly, who isn’t for you.

Deciding to have a child as a single mother is a difficult decision, as it is for many parents both single and married. It takes so much effort, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally to birth and rear children. We shouldn’t make the decision lightly or base it simply off something as fleeting and temporary as “love” can be. We should think about the fact that having children creates familial connections whether parents chose to stay together or not. You will share grandchildren and big milestone events. You’ll share holidays, extracurricular activities, and day to day responsibilities. Pick a partner who compliments you and your parenting style. Chose a partner you can respect on all levels, even if you inevitably split. Chose a partner you trust to make decisions for your children in the same way that you do. Ideally we should have a good parent and a good partner all rolled in one, but if having children is a priority for your future relationships, pick a good parent first, a good partner will usually follow.

J.H.

5 Things I Learned in 2018

Writing has been so difficult for me. In 2018 I wrote two pieces for my blog after coming off a great writing year in 2017. So here we are 3rd week of January 2019 and I’ve finally quieted my mind long enough to write my annual post of what I learned in the previous year. This will be my 3rd installation to this practice and probably the year I’ve seen the most honest and transformative change in myself. I turned 29 last summer and reconciling what my 20s has been and meant to me has been agonizing and inspiring at the same time. With my 30th birthday a little more than 7 months away, I stepped into 2019 determined to conquer some challenges I’ve been making steady progress on since 2015. Here’s what I learned in 2018.

Healing is About Processing Pain

American society and it’s quickly growing health and wellness industry has catapulted the word “healing” into our everyday lexicon.  With soft pinks, deep browns, and ferns as a common aesthetics, the practice of “healing” is usually centered on feeling good. Allowing yourself to grow past your mental and emotional pain.  When I decided to take my healing seriously and primarily be accountable to myself (see what I learned in 2017) I discovered that the process back to being healthy, starts with pain. There is no transformative process that takes place without pain. From childbirth to weight loss, financial literacy to education. We will rarely accomplish anything without emotional, mental, or physical discomfort.  Healthy processing of pain is what healing is about. Processing pain is about learning healthy coping techniques. Without these techniques we have no choice but to return to our old ways of coping that usually lead back to more pain. If we can think of pain as being a purposeful tool to breaking through the walls our mind and experiences have built for us, as another emotion or sensation on a wide spectrum, we can make conquering it much more attainable. Researching and creating these new habits require patience. So, take in the full knowledge of what pains you and you’ll be on your first step to change. Recognize. Acknowledge. Accept. Act. These are the steps to changing your life.

Boundaries are the foundation of Self Love/Care

From a psychological standpoint, much of our emotional pain that we have experienced from other people is brought on by repeated offenses against our boundaries. Many of us learn that our boundaries are neither recognized or respected in childhood and naturally grow into adults who don’t know how to start resurrecting them for our mental peace of mind. Self-love and self-care are also popular words in the health and wellness lexicon and not surprising also focuses on feeling good. The love of self should translate to the healthy protection of self. Not allowing the ones who are interested in drinking from our cups to take but never replenish. People who insist on engaging with you, whether that be platonic-ally or romantically, must show a firm respect and appreciation for your boundaries. Most importantly, you must show a firm respect and appreciation for your boundaries. Setting boundaries was some of the toughest work I did this year. I had to set boundaries with my family, friends, and past lovers. I had to show myself that I could control the energy coming into and out of my life. Maintaining those newly developed boundaries was the most laborious part. When you’ve let people violate boundaries for so long, them seeing a big red stop sign on their next encounter looks more like an obstacle than a firm pronouncement. Regardless of the guilt, the shame, the impending loneliness we must stand decisively behind our choices and our boundaries. Those who refuse to respect your boundaries don’t truly care. They care more about their desire than your peace. If you don’t stand up for you, who will?

Build with Like Minded People

The first two lessons were lengthy and heavy, so I hope to make the last 3 concise. Build with likeminded people means stepping outside of your naturally developed circle of friends and family to converse and learn from people with similar goals as you. This experience brought so many amazing women into my life.  I’ve been able to build, plan, and map out ideas with other female entrepreneurs and get valuable life advice in the process.  It’s a little scary at first, but if you have confidence in your goals you’ll naturally attract others who also have confidence in the same goals.  Find your tribe and always remind them how special they are.

Observational Awareness

Not to be confused with situational awareness (although they’re similar) is the act of observing your surroundings and yourself in the many day to day interactions we have with people and triggers. When we feel ourselves moving from the space of emotional stability, this is the time to engage, observe, and activate awareness. It is a skill that must be built over time. It requires you to think and examine your emotions before speaking. If we can master this skill we can learn when to acknowledge our triggers externally and when to move on without an exaggerated reaction.  You save more energy for yourself and live more at peace with your choices when you act from observation and not from impulse.

 

Forgiveness

Whew. This lesson right here was the doozy. Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of those who have done us wrong but never apologized are some of the hardest emotional battles I’ve taken on in my 20s. No one does this life thing perfectly. No one has all the answers and gets it right the first time, every time. Forgiveness is the key to truly moving forward. I had to forgive myself for not staying with my daughter’s father and then the following terrible relationship choices I made for myself to give her the two-parent household I didn’t have. I had to forgive my parents for not knowing exactly what to do when they were still kids themselves. The most difficult forgiveness, was forgiving myself for pouring so much love, time, and energy into people who did not have the same desire to pour into me. I spent so much of my 20s trying to convince others to love me properly when I could’ve been loving myself all along. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?  So now I am grateful that I learned this lesson and am now doing everything in my power to love myself as thoroughly as I deserve. In return I’ve been a better mother, attracted better men, and have no unhealthy attachments. Life is good.

Sex and The Single Mom: Dating 101

• Note: Writing this piece was difficult because the nuance around single motherhood is so vast. I found it challenging to condense the results of my feelings, research, and observations to just 1000 words. Sex and The Single Mom will be a series of essay style writings that reflect on the different aspects of single motherhood. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this first piece. My personal perspective. 

   I was 21 when I officially became a single mother, and dating has been mostly a challenge for me. Dating in general comes with its own batch of frustrations, but young motherhood creates a unique system of adversities. Balancing my life, my daughter’s life, and finding a viable partnership that is not based on convincing someone you’re not a compilation of stereotypes can be downright exhausting.

   I’ve made my fair number of missteps, rushed into one relationship, was too casual with another.  Heartbreak sent me into a forced isolation which helped me see my marital and family goals with clarity. At 28, my mindset on dating has shifted. My daughter has a mother and a father who both love her dearly and contribute equally to her well-being.  I’m not hindered by thoughts of needing validation, a ticking biological clock, or loneliness. I’ve often joked with my friends, that I will either get married and have more children, or stay single until 40 and date a divorcee with grown kids, who I can travel the world with.  Companionship is less of a need for me, than a desire, but it’s a strong desire nonetheless. My story is unique, I have help and a strong village to support me, but that isn’t the story for every mother.

 I’ve never seen myself as lacking anything. Regardless of the consensus on single motherhood. Stereotypes of poverty and desperation hover over single moms from all around the globe.  In some nations, the stereotype rings true. The poverty rate for working single parent households in the U.S. is 32%. In comparison, Japan’s rate is 56% , in the U.K. 47% . Women on average are paid less than their male counterparts, so the evidence that single motherhood could cause financial hardship is most certainly there. Financial needs may drive women into the wrong relationships, keep them from dating outside of their socioeconomic status, or just flat out keep them single because the emotional and mental energy required to date, simply isn’t there.

  Single mothers worry about a plethora of pitfalls.  Child predators, insincere suitors, emotional IQ or lack thereof, and financial leeches. Since single mothers are often in a vulnerable position, there are many predatory personalities to be aware of. Having a carefree approach to dating and relationships is not a luxury most mothers can afford. Instead of viewing this perspective as a burden, I find it empowering. By knowing what you won’t accept, you have a clearer picture of what you will.

  7 years of dating, relationships, and heartbreak has made me acutely aware of the effects my love life has on my daughter. I know that she is looking to me, to set the precedent for how a man should be allowed to treat her.  While her interest in boys is still non-existent, I know that the day where they go from annoying to attractive is approaching quickly. Someone who does not serve my mental and emotional well-being, effectively challenges hers as well. A cost too lofty for me to pay for any man. My standards have increased with age and wisdom. 

  The checklist is long, but achievable and well deserved. I have placated men in the past, leveraging my own shortcomings with theirs. If I have this amount of baggage, they should be able to have theirs too.  I carry my added weight with grace. I give my daughter what she needs, and when I need help, I call her father. We co-parent effectively. The idea that I should accept someone else’s baggage because I have my own has melted away. I don’t have baggage.

   Mother, artist, entrepreneur, is my present reality. I am too busy for numerous “Wyd” text throughout the day, and too bored to pretend I don’t see the red flags of a man who is more invested in pussy than purpose. I can’t be available last minute. And sometimes I’ll “flake” last minute cause my child needs my attention more. Dating can be fun, and for the most part it is. Horror stories aside, assessing and examining suitors through the lens of single motherhood has helped me tremendously. I don’t waste time. I speak candidly, and while reciprocity is always wanted, spending time trying to convince someone to love me properly is an irresponsible use of my energy.

  I still want to get married, and I would love to have more children. I genuinely enjoy being a mother, regardless of the circumstances. I take that responsibility very seriously.  I can wait for the right partner to materialize, and if he never does, I can be content with that too. There is too much at stake in raising happy, whole children. My legacy is a living, breathing, 9-year-old, with a lot of confidence and plenty of sass. The partner that is best for me, will breathe life into me, and support me in being the best mother I can be right now. It will nurture my sanity and fertilize my goals. The evidence for what I bring to the table is apparent in the health of my child.

  Single moms are not for the weak-hearted. There is an added layer of responsibility. There is a high level of patience, security, and self-esteem required. In exchange you’ll get a skillset that is unmatched by most. Supreme multitasker, expert financial planner, and a woman who can literally run a household with one hand. Single mothers are amazing. The world takes them for granted, but that has no merit on how we should view ourselves. Don’t settle for less than what you know you deserve, your babies are watching.

Motherhood Versus Womanhood

I had my daughter at 19. It is a fact that I am never afraid to share. It is a testament to my strength and perseverance over the last 6 years, but it is also the most complicated layer of my young life. I entered college right before my 18th birthday and I had my whole life planned out. I knew I wanted to be writer, I had prepped myself for this since I was 8 years old. I selected a university that had one of the best communications programs on the west coast. I was ready to chase down a career in entertainment or corporate Public Relations. No one could have told me that almost a year to the day I stepped foot on campus, I’d receive news of my daughter’s imminent arrival.

August 2, 2008 changed my life. Not only did I find out that I was expecting but I was already 21 weeks along. With less than 5 months to prepare for my new arrival my mentality shifted immediately. At 19, I understood fully that my life was no longer about me but instead about this child I was going to bring into the world. My dreams, my aspirations, and what little innocence I had left was relinquished at that point. I was afraid and confused. Not only was I not financially prepared for a child I was not mentally prepared. My grandfather had just died and everything seemed to be moving in fast forward. While I was surrounded by family and love, it was still a very lonely and isolating feeling.

As time went on I began to adjust, my daughter arrived on December 12, after 40 hours of labor and 15 weeks of anxiety nothing could prepare me for the overwhelming love I felt the moment I heard her voice. From that point on I knew that I was a mother, a woman, and a role model. There was no turning back, and although I was only 19, childhood was behind me.

Six years later a lot is different from that snowy day in December. The father of my child and I have split and we have been happily co-parenting for the last 4 years. My daughter has just started kindergarten, taking her first steps into the real world, and now she’s capable of developing life long memories. That last fact is one that concerns me the most. It causes me to second guess every decision and re-think every idea. It has also forced me to revisit what I want to be and who I want to be, as a woman my daughter can look up to, and as a mother she can be proud of.

Motherhood and womanhood are not one in the same.  For many years the traditional idea of gender roles made this to be true, but in an era where woman are choosing to be career women first and wife and mother second that idea has become outdated. So for a modern career woman and mother it becomes a bit of a conundrum to solve. Where is the line between the two and how do you become definitive in both arenas?

I am nowhere near feeling like an expert in motherhood, I feel the way I assume most mothers do. Every year is new. New clothes, new milestones, and new challenges. No amount of parenting literature can prepare for the experience of raising another human life, but just as I mentioned at the beginning of this, couple it with the fact that I just turned 25 and am at that crucial point in adulthood between finding yourself and defining yourself. I love being a mother, I love walking my daughter to school, reading her bed time stories, and playing with her dolls. I love nursing her when she’s sick, putting band aids on her “ouchies”, and teaching her to conquer her fears.  I love every second of it but I am afraid of being nothing more than a mother.

I wanted to do great things and I still do but I often wonder how I can balance my responsibilities and my dreams, and does chasing dreams make me less responsible. Do I have time to be a mother, a wife, and my own person? Most importantly how do I define myself and my womanhood? The fear of being mediocre and average terrify me every day. I wonder if other young mothers feel as I do, or if I am fighting something that is inevitable.

Don’t get me wrong for 25, I am doing pretty darn well. I live in a small 2 bedroom apartment that sits on the beach, I have that great corporate job that I dreamed of, and my daughter is amazingly bright and intuitive. What I want, what I always wanted was to inspire and motivate, to help. I want to give a voice to those that feel lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, who dream of things beyond the typical 9-5. So I am writing you as a mother who wants to teach my daughter and the world that dreams can come true, regardless of the adversity we face. 

For a huge chunk of my adult life I have spent so much time putting others before me. My daughter will always come first. She's at an age where its essential that I put her and her needs first, but friends, family, and significant others have also taken precedent over my needs and wants. My goals have slowly morphed into something I no longer recognize. I've been chasing the idea of a family, because I never had one and also didn't want my daughter to be deprived of that experience either. The results have been damaging. My sense of self worth has become dangerously tied into my success in a relationship as a girlfriend/wife in training. I've tried to play all the parts of a Superwoman without having that "Superman" to depend on. I've damaged myself and others trying to subscribe to some textbook way of living that is neither realistic or healthy. It's left me empty and depleted. And now I'm not really sure what direction my life should move in, what my goals should be. Cause everything I cared to accomplish required the implicit faith in an another person to love in the way that I do. And I don't think most people are capable of that. I am too needy at times, and too distant at others. I'm full of contradictions. I'm flawed, broken, and still recovering from the realization of my existence.You know, that moment you realize  how fucked up your family is and subsequently how fucked up you are because of it. I'm living all of these things right now.

I'm a kickass mother, and I don't have the best of everything but I'm sure my daughter doesn't realize otherwise. She is loved, she is intelligent, and she is confident. She stands up for herself on the playground but is still gentle and loving enough to understand the needs of small children. Her greatness reflects light onto me that lets me know I'm doing a great job at mothering.

Being a woman, and defining exactly what that means is what I struggle with. The first thing I've had to let go of, is being a woman and how it is defined has nothing to do with the man in your life and everything to do with the standards you set for yourself. I'm still learning what those standards are for me. Still learning my own authenticity. I have taken the good things from grandmothers, aunts, and my mother have shown me and decided I wanted similar but different experiences, but the different I was experiencing was not one framed for me, but for someone else by someone else.  But I know I'm on the right track and while things in life aren't perfect, and I continue to be imperfect. I am still trying. Even if I fail today, I'm still trying. And at 25, even with all my uncertainty I know that the woman I am now is still powerful and courageous in ways that my daughter will be proud of, and that  I can be proud of also.

Peace

Why Breaking Up is Harder in Adulthood

By the time you reach your mid-twenties it’s safe to say you’ve had your heartbroken at least once or twice, (thrice in some cases) before, during, and after a break up. A great deal of us experienced our first break up in high school. High school, being the pinnacle of every teenager’s life. The single greatest moment in our lives pre graduation, and the kick to the gut from reality. Most of us can remember our first heartbreak/break up as being devastating. Those tear filled nights post break up that last for weeks, or even months, fail comparably to emotional toll adult break ups can have on your psyche.

    As children the single greatest thing we hoped for was adulthood. Somewhere along the lines we develop this idea that adulthood is synonymous with freedom, when the very cruel reality is quite the opposite. We are rarely free to do anything once we enter the working world. We aren’t free to take days off whenever we please, have unscheduled summer vacations, or stay up way past our bed times.  With adulthood comes good choices, and bad choices. Each with their own set of consequences. The only freedom we are allotted is the freedom to choose between the former and the latter. As children and well up into early adulthood we are also allowed to emote. We can cry if were hurt, we can scream if we’re angry, and we can even take breaks if we are generally having a terrible day. Those luxuries are not here in adulthood and this is my primary argument for why break ups suck as an adult.

 
    Maturity. We are expected to be emotionally and mentally mature enough to handle the side effects of a failed relationship. Friends and family often expect us to pick up where we left off before we met our significant other. They offer words of solace such as “You’ll find better.” “Or be grateful it’s over.” Without fully acknowledging the mental and emotional healing we have all experienced at one point or another due to a break up. 

    Break ups have this way of quietly tearing us apart at the seams, we aren’t allowed to emote with our friends, our families, and especially not at work. There are no bereavement days for break ups. We offer more condolences to the death of a loved one, than the death of a loved lost when the processes are very similar. We take a blow to our self-esteem, that often makes us wonder, are we good enough to actually be in a relationship at all. In high school the break up was almost a social gathering, you rally around your friends and uplift them. As adults, the break up can be a very isolating experience. 

    We are a product of our upbringing. When we haven’t fully dealt with the results of our past it can cause even more emotional upheaval during break ups. I, for example, grew up with an absent father. My relationships have been filled with me trying to please my partners even if it means I’m not happy, and an insecure feeling post break up of “Why do I drive all the men in my life away.” no matter how justified the reason for splitting is. Without acknowledging our past issues it is hard for us not to carry the issues from our last relationship into the next, thus creating a cycle. Even with the acknowledgement of such issues, as adults were expected to just get over it.  When in actuality, repairing our wounds require time, patience, and sometimes a lot of help from others. 

    My final point speaks to the fact that break ups aren’t as simple as they were as teenagers. We don’t break up with our significant others because our secret crush asked us to prom, or because summer break is approaching and you don’t want to be tied down. Break ups happen in adulthood as a result of infidelity, financial strain, difference in family values, and competing outlooks of the future. The reason for break ups are not black and white which can make the aftermath that much harder. It is not uncommon for us to reflect on the, who, what, when, where, and why? We can spend weeks, months, and in some cases years, analyzing why our last relationship failed. That type of internal stress can breed fear that can hinder you from growing healthy relationships in the future. 

    The results of our break ups are somewhat far reaching in adulthood. You can’t just wash your hands of your last situation, you may even be asked by a new potential partner why the last relationship ended. It’s important that as adults we take time to self-reflect and self-repair ourselves. We have to create the space and time to do so, because day to day life simply won’t allow for it. We were in such a rush to grow up, now looking back we realize being a teenager wasn’t all that bad.