5 Things I Learned in 2018

Writing has been so difficult for me. In 2018 I wrote two pieces for my blog after coming off a great writing year in 2017. So here we are 3rd week of January 2019 and I’ve finally quieted my mind long enough to write my annual post of what I learned in the previous year. This will be my 3rd installation to this practice and probably the year I’ve seen the most honest and transformative change in myself. I turned 29 last summer and reconciling what my 20s has been and meant to me has been agonizing and inspiring at the same time. With my 30th birthday a little more than 7 months away, I stepped into 2019 determined to conquer some challenges I’ve been making steady progress on since 2015. Here’s what I learned in 2018.

Healing is About Processing Pain

American society and it’s quickly growing health and wellness industry has catapulted the word “healing” into our everyday lexicon.  With soft pinks, deep browns, and ferns as a common aesthetics, the practice of “healing” is usually centered on feeling good. Allowing yourself to grow past your mental and emotional pain.  When I decided to take my healing seriously and primarily be accountable to myself (see what I learned in 2017) I discovered that the process back to being healthy, starts with pain. There is no transformative process that takes place without pain. From childbirth to weight loss, financial literacy to education. We will rarely accomplish anything without emotional, mental, or physical discomfort.  Healthy processing of pain is what healing is about. Processing pain is about learning healthy coping techniques. Without these techniques we have no choice but to return to our old ways of coping that usually lead back to more pain. If we can think of pain as being a purposeful tool to breaking through the walls our mind and experiences have built for us, as another emotion or sensation on a wide spectrum, we can make conquering it much more attainable. Researching and creating these new habits require patience. So, take in the full knowledge of what pains you and you’ll be on your first step to change. Recognize. Acknowledge. Accept. Act. These are the steps to changing your life.

Boundaries are the foundation of Self Love/Care

From a psychological standpoint, much of our emotional pain that we have experienced from other people is brought on by repeated offenses against our boundaries. Many of us learn that our boundaries are neither recognized or respected in childhood and naturally grow into adults who don’t know how to start resurrecting them for our mental peace of mind. Self-love and self-care are also popular words in the health and wellness lexicon and not surprising also focuses on feeling good. The love of self should translate to the healthy protection of self. Not allowing the ones who are interested in drinking from our cups to take but never replenish. People who insist on engaging with you, whether that be platonic-ally or romantically, must show a firm respect and appreciation for your boundaries. Most importantly, you must show a firm respect and appreciation for your boundaries. Setting boundaries was some of the toughest work I did this year. I had to set boundaries with my family, friends, and past lovers. I had to show myself that I could control the energy coming into and out of my life. Maintaining those newly developed boundaries was the most laborious part. When you’ve let people violate boundaries for so long, them seeing a big red stop sign on their next encounter looks more like an obstacle than a firm pronouncement. Regardless of the guilt, the shame, the impending loneliness we must stand decisively behind our choices and our boundaries. Those who refuse to respect your boundaries don’t truly care. They care more about their desire than your peace. If you don’t stand up for you, who will?

Build with Like Minded People

The first two lessons were lengthy and heavy, so I hope to make the last 3 concise. Build with likeminded people means stepping outside of your naturally developed circle of friends and family to converse and learn from people with similar goals as you. This experience brought so many amazing women into my life.  I’ve been able to build, plan, and map out ideas with other female entrepreneurs and get valuable life advice in the process.  It’s a little scary at first, but if you have confidence in your goals you’ll naturally attract others who also have confidence in the same goals.  Find your tribe and always remind them how special they are.

Observational Awareness

Not to be confused with situational awareness (although they’re similar) is the act of observing your surroundings and yourself in the many day to day interactions we have with people and triggers. When we feel ourselves moving from the space of emotional stability, this is the time to engage, observe, and activate awareness. It is a skill that must be built over time. It requires you to think and examine your emotions before speaking. If we can master this skill we can learn when to acknowledge our triggers externally and when to move on without an exaggerated reaction.  You save more energy for yourself and live more at peace with your choices when you act from observation and not from impulse.

 

Forgiveness

Whew. This lesson right here was the doozy. Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of those who have done us wrong but never apologized are some of the hardest emotional battles I’ve taken on in my 20s. No one does this life thing perfectly. No one has all the answers and gets it right the first time, every time. Forgiveness is the key to truly moving forward. I had to forgive myself for not staying with my daughter’s father and then the following terrible relationship choices I made for myself to give her the two-parent household I didn’t have. I had to forgive my parents for not knowing exactly what to do when they were still kids themselves. The most difficult forgiveness, was forgiving myself for pouring so much love, time, and energy into people who did not have the same desire to pour into me. I spent so much of my 20s trying to convince others to love me properly when I could’ve been loving myself all along. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?  So now I am grateful that I learned this lesson and am now doing everything in my power to love myself as thoroughly as I deserve. In return I’ve been a better mother, attracted better men, and have no unhealthy attachments. Life is good.

5 Things I Learned in 2017

I learned so much this year, it has been especially difficult to reduce everything that has transpired in my life down into 5 lessons. This year, has unfolded in a way that I never anticipated but am exceptionally grateful for. That is not to say, what I have experienced, hasn’t been heartbreaking, challenging, and just down right depressing at times. The last 3 years have been a journey into my own personal perception, and ideals. Recognizing which ones were my own and which ones were a product of my conditioning from both my family and society. I reclaimed old lessons that I had long ago abandoned, and discarded old ways of learning that no longer served me. I have learned more about myself in 2017 than any other year since I’ve became an adult and mother. So, let’s dig into it.

Focus/Define Your Goals

The word “goal” is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, as the end of which effort is directed. Goals should have little to do with aesthetic or short-term gain. Once we reach the end of which effort is directed, we usually shift and define a new end and apply effort in that direction. Goals keep us on track, they keep us accountable, and they give us a good way to track the progression of our efforts or lack thereof. Defining goals should be based around changes you truly want to make from the inside out. Look at the motivation behind a set goal, and will it truly improve your life. Goals should also complement each other. For example, if you have a goal of losing weight and saving money, look for ways that you can save money that will also contribute to your weight loss goal like no longer eating out. With this method, you are rewarding yourself twice for one action. Skip the pizza slice and make a salad at home. You’ve just killed two birds with one stone.

Be Gentle With Yourself

When you are attempting to make great lifestyle or mindset changes you are going to fail. Count on making mistakes. Count on backsliding. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a different person overnight. Any change that is meant to be real and substantial will happen gradually. We afford a great deal of patience with others but rarely give ourselves the same consideration. Don’t be defeated by your thoughts of not being able to stick with something. My friends applaud me for my self-control, but I still see myself as undisciplined and unrefined. I see myself this way because it has taken me years to conquer issues in my life that others feel I should’ve overcame in months, or weeks. The reality is, we’re all refined in some areas and not in others. Keeping in mind, issues that took years to become issues will also take a great deal of time to undo. While I can be disciplined enough to write and publish this piece before the New Year, I’m undisciplined in the way of saying no to an extra pepperoni, extra cheese pizza. Don’t be so lazy and unconcerned that you make a lifestyle out of backsliding, but also don’t be so hard on yourself that you kill your motivation to keep striving. Be gentle with yourself. Talk kindly to yourself. Have the compassion for yourself that you tend to have for others.

Give Your Best Effort

For some people, your best effort will never be good enough, but that should not discourage you from always trying your best. Giving your best, putting your best foot forward is not about being THE best. It’s about doing the best you can do from your present space. Giving our best effort transcends monetary success. Give your best effort in your relationships. Be a better listener, be more willing to learn, be a better communicator.  We all evolve on our own timelines. What is best to you, may not be what is best to me, or may not see that it’s best until later. When we constantly give our best effort, we will always get the results we seek from ourselves.

Always Be Prepared

In the hood, we say “Stay ready so you never have to get ready.” It’s a Black proverb about preparedness. When you keep your focus on improving, your day to day starts to change. You become more thoughtful and aware of your actions. How something small like not laying your clothes out the night before, can make you late to work. That heightened sense of awareness is what being “present” is all about. Being present in the present moment affords you the luxury of accurately preparing for the next moment. Think about the things you do big and small to hold yourself up. Stop living life randomly and start living life on purpose. Stay ready, and you’ll never have to get ready.

Accept Responsibility

This was the hardest lesson I learned this year. I’ve always had enough praise, enough favor in my life that I rarely had to consider what was really causing me pain. From the outside looking in, I’m someone who is resilient, determined, and capable of getting what I want in any case. Unfortunately, that does not and has not translated into me being the best person from the inside out. I’ve been habitually disorganized most of my life. I’ve hurt people by being deceptive. Let people down by being careless. And this year I lost someone I love dearly because of this pattern of self-destructive behavior. I didn’t lose him all at once, like most changes it happened gradually. It happened after I repeated the same mistakes after telling him I’d change, I’d be better, but as soon as we made up I’d get comfortable and fall back into my bullshit. No matter how I twisted the situation, or highlighted the ways he also failed me, the beginning of our demise always found its origins in my behavior. I didn’t appreciate his reactions, and used them as an excuse to stay in my own toxicity. The truth of the matter is, I can’t be angry or resentful at his reactions without first analyzing how my actions brought us to this point.

When we split it was a major wake up call. He intended it to be. He wanted me to see why we were failing as a unit. Why we constantly fought and argued about the same things over and over. It truly opened my eyes, and I haven’t moved the same since. It took me a couple months to really wrap my head around what I was doing to prevent me from reaching my own goals of family and marriage. But once I gained some understanding it was easier to make changes. The path from that point to this point has been so painful, but pain transforms. When I stopped blaming him and started taking responsibility for myself, the ideals we were both striving for started popping up naturally. Things began making sense, and I started seeking out information he was attempting to give to me a few years ago. I had to discard some practices I had internalized from my childhood and from the negative experiences I had before him. I started to look within and pull out the parts of myself I truly wanted to see shine through, with or without him.

I’ve arrived. I’m at peace, I’m content with the direction my life is moving in. I have removed people from my life with ease because it became clear they didn’t care about my long-term growth, only reveling in the person I’ve always been.  These were the same people at the source of many arguments for us. Writing out this lesson was even difficult for me, because I’ve relied so heavily on my outward image that letting that guard down and allowing people to see I make mistakes too has been a huge fear. Your outward intentions must match the work you’re doing internally. For a long time, it hasn’t been that way for me. I was trying to find the easiest route to change while still staying the same and only chaos can come from that. I’ve learned a lot since 2015 (the first time I wrote one of these), but nothing has been more paramount, more life changing than learning to be accountable to myself, first and foremost.

2018 will either be another terrible year or a year for substantial growth. You will either soar, or be knocked out the sky. Regardless of the circumstances, your mindset should be one toward growth. Don’t let another year pass where you are still trying to break bad habits you told yourself you would quit 5 years ago. Don’t let 2018 close without looking yourself in the mirror and figuring out how you tick, why you tick, and how you could tick better. For all those who are anticipating the New Year with excitement and humility, like myself, be grateful for where you’ve been, so you can graciously accept where you’re going. Keep your head up, your grass short, and your heart full!

Peace + Blessings

Love + Light

J.A.H.

5 Things I Learned In 2016

Here we are at the start of another year. 2016 was wild, from the loss of legendary artists and entertainers, to seeing our nation elect its first reality tv star as president. This year has been nothing less than bizarre. This year tore apart our expectations and taught us tough lessons, but we made it through.

Just Do It

The iconic Nike tagline is genius because it’s simple but extremely effective advice. I have always been someone who can get so caught up in the planning of an idea that I often burn out before the first action item is ever completed. While planning is needed to accomplish goals effectively, sometimes the best way to learn your craft is to just do it, and figure it out along the way. We plan because we don’t want to fail but often times failure is our best teacher on what we can do to become better. So stop chit chatting, stop “trying” and get it done.

Keep Going

Yes 2016 was a shitty year, or at least it felt like it. The numerology points to the number 9 (2+0+1+6) and tells us to expect transformation. Is change easy? Hardly. Is it expected? Yes. We are only given two promises in life, that we will die, and that things will change. Discomfort is the key to growth, so we must push forward in the New Year and keep going. I started school this fall, and my first quarter was tough, but I’m not going to quit, I’ll pick up the pieces learn from my mistakes and be better next quarter. Nothing worth having comes without a little effort, and while this paragraph is full of clichés they all apply and they’re all true.

Fuck the Isms

It’s hard not to get discouraged by the racism, sexism, and bigotry displayed in this country over the course of the last two years. Election season was brutal this time around and our country has spoken on how it truly feels about multiculturalism in America. The reality is these systems of oppression affect us all but they can’t stop a freight train. That train being you. Don’t let the ideas of being marginalized actually cause you to marginalize yourself. Your thoughts are more powerful than any outside influence and we must practice positive self-talk and affirmations to keep our spirits high. Your soul is other worldly so don’t let anything of this world stop you from accomplishing your goals.

Keep Your Heart Open

The world has a way of making our hearts heavy, whether it’s dealing with abusive personalities, getting stabbed in the back by someone close to you, or just feeling as if you keep getting slighted by everyone and everything it can be hard to keep your heart open. Remember that you are only responsible for you and your feelings. If you let the actions of others change the ways of your heart, then you’re becoming more like them and losing yourself. Practice meditation, prayer, take a walk, and get some exercise. Keep your mind focused on what blessings are in your life instead of who and what’s wrong. Don’t close yourself off to new experiences and meeting new people just because your past experiences have been negative. Learn to read red flags but give everyone an equal opportunity to show you their intentions.

Make Peace with the Present

Sometimes life just doesn’t go the way we planned for it to go and sometimes we feel stuck. When you feel stuck in life, it seems like there are no options to feel unstuck. I had this problem this year, I wanted to chase my creative endeavors but needed more time and skills to do so, I’m not in a position to quit my 9-5, and the visual design program I wanted to enroll in requires me to be in school full time. How do you manage? Where can you turn when all seems to be wrong with life, but the options to fix it are minimal? A good friend told me in these times, it’s best to be still. Take a second to assess your life currently. Celebrate the parts of your life you enjoy, and find small action items to change the parts you’re struggling with. I took two classes toward finishing my degree, I failed one and passed the other with a B. Does it suck to have failed a class? Yes, but the bigger picture is I went back to school after a 4 year break and I did my best. I’ll take this quarter off and be more mentally prepared next quarter. I’m able to gauge and assess how much time I’ll have to complete assignments and study. We have to be okay with our present situation in order to think clearly about what our next move should be.

I hope this year is a good one for all of you. I’m off to a stellar start, I have a new position with a company that aligns with my greater career goals and I finally feel like I know what it is that I want to do. I hope you all find these 5 lessons helpful and may 2017 bring you a lot of peace and a ton of prosperity.