5 Things I Learned in 2017

I learned so much this year, it has been especially difficult to reduce everything that has transpired in my life down into 5 lessons. This year, has unfolded in a way that I never anticipated but am exceptionally grateful for. That is not to say, what I have experienced, hasn’t been heartbreaking, challenging, and just down right depressing at times. The last 3 years have been a journey into my own personal perception, and ideals. Recognizing which ones were my own and which ones were a product of my conditioning from both my family and society. I reclaimed old lessons that I had long ago abandoned, and discarded old ways of learning that no longer served me. I have learned more about myself in 2017 than any other year since I’ve became an adult and mother. So, let’s dig into it.

Focus/Define Your Goals

The word “goal” is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, as the end of which effort is directed. Goals should have little to do with aesthetic or short-term gain. Once we reach the end of which effort is directed, we usually shift and define a new end and apply effort in that direction. Goals keep us on track, they keep us accountable, and they give us a good way to track the progression of our efforts or lack thereof. Defining goals should be based around changes you truly want to make from the inside out. Look at the motivation behind a set goal, and will it truly improve your life. Goals should also complement each other. For example, if you have a goal of losing weight and saving money, look for ways that you can save money that will also contribute to your weight loss goal like no longer eating out. With this method, you are rewarding yourself twice for one action. Skip the pizza slice and make a salad at home. You’ve just killed two birds with one stone.

Be Gentle With Yourself

When you are attempting to make great lifestyle or mindset changes you are going to fail. Count on making mistakes. Count on backsliding. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a different person overnight. Any change that is meant to be real and substantial will happen gradually. We afford a great deal of patience with others but rarely give ourselves the same consideration. Don’t be defeated by your thoughts of not being able to stick with something. My friends applaud me for my self-control, but I still see myself as undisciplined and unrefined. I see myself this way because it has taken me years to conquer issues in my life that others feel I should’ve overcame in months, or weeks. The reality is, we’re all refined in some areas and not in others. Keeping in mind, issues that took years to become issues will also take a great deal of time to undo. While I can be disciplined enough to write and publish this piece before the New Year, I’m undisciplined in the way of saying no to an extra pepperoni, extra cheese pizza. Don’t be so lazy and unconcerned that you make a lifestyle out of backsliding, but also don’t be so hard on yourself that you kill your motivation to keep striving. Be gentle with yourself. Talk kindly to yourself. Have the compassion for yourself that you tend to have for others.

Give Your Best Effort

For some people, your best effort will never be good enough, but that should not discourage you from always trying your best. Giving your best, putting your best foot forward is not about being THE best. It’s about doing the best you can do from your present space. Giving our best effort transcends monetary success. Give your best effort in your relationships. Be a better listener, be more willing to learn, be a better communicator.  We all evolve on our own timelines. What is best to you, may not be what is best to me, or may not see that it’s best until later. When we constantly give our best effort, we will always get the results we seek from ourselves.

Always Be Prepared

In the hood, we say “Stay ready so you never have to get ready.” It’s a Black proverb about preparedness. When you keep your focus on improving, your day to day starts to change. You become more thoughtful and aware of your actions. How something small like not laying your clothes out the night before, can make you late to work. That heightened sense of awareness is what being “present” is all about. Being present in the present moment affords you the luxury of accurately preparing for the next moment. Think about the things you do big and small to hold yourself up. Stop living life randomly and start living life on purpose. Stay ready, and you’ll never have to get ready.

Accept Responsibility

This was the hardest lesson I learned this year. I’ve always had enough praise, enough favor in my life that I rarely had to consider what was really causing me pain. From the outside looking in, I’m someone who is resilient, determined, and capable of getting what I want in any case. Unfortunately, that does not and has not translated into me being the best person from the inside out. I’ve been habitually disorganized most of my life. I’ve hurt people by being deceptive. Let people down by being careless. And this year I lost someone I love dearly because of this pattern of self-destructive behavior. I didn’t lose him all at once, like most changes it happened gradually. It happened after I repeated the same mistakes after telling him I’d change, I’d be better, but as soon as we made up I’d get comfortable and fall back into my bullshit. No matter how I twisted the situation, or highlighted the ways he also failed me, the beginning of our demise always found its origins in my behavior. I didn’t appreciate his reactions, and used them as an excuse to stay in my own toxicity. The truth of the matter is, I can’t be angry or resentful at his reactions without first analyzing how my actions brought us to this point.

When we split it was a major wake up call. He intended it to be. He wanted me to see why we were failing as a unit. Why we constantly fought and argued about the same things over and over. It truly opened my eyes, and I haven’t moved the same since. It took me a couple months to really wrap my head around what I was doing to prevent me from reaching my own goals of family and marriage. But once I gained some understanding it was easier to make changes. The path from that point to this point has been so painful, but pain transforms. When I stopped blaming him and started taking responsibility for myself, the ideals we were both striving for started popping up naturally. Things began making sense, and I started seeking out information he was attempting to give to me a few years ago. I had to discard some practices I had internalized from my childhood and from the negative experiences I had before him. I started to look within and pull out the parts of myself I truly wanted to see shine through, with or without him.

I’ve arrived. I’m at peace, I’m content with the direction my life is moving in. I have removed people from my life with ease because it became clear they didn’t care about my long-term growth, only reveling in the person I’ve always been.  These were the same people at the source of many arguments for us. Writing out this lesson was even difficult for me, because I’ve relied so heavily on my outward image that letting that guard down and allowing people to see I make mistakes too has been a huge fear. Your outward intentions must match the work you’re doing internally. For a long time, it hasn’t been that way for me. I was trying to find the easiest route to change while still staying the same and only chaos can come from that. I’ve learned a lot since 2015 (the first time I wrote one of these), but nothing has been more paramount, more life changing than learning to be accountable to myself, first and foremost.

2018 will either be another terrible year or a year for substantial growth. You will either soar, or be knocked out the sky. Regardless of the circumstances, your mindset should be one toward growth. Don’t let another year pass where you are still trying to break bad habits you told yourself you would quit 5 years ago. Don’t let 2018 close without looking yourself in the mirror and figuring out how you tick, why you tick, and how you could tick better. For all those who are anticipating the New Year with excitement and humility, like myself, be grateful for where you’ve been, so you can graciously accept where you’re going. Keep your head up, your grass short, and your heart full!

Peace + Blessings

Love + Light

J.A.H.

3 Healthy Ways to Lead a Happier Life

A year ago, I wrote something in my journal that has stuck with me every day since. “I have to work hard at happiness every day.” A year ago I was in a much more difficult place. I was in a relationship that I didn’t feel supported in, I was drowning in debt while trying to maintain my current bills, and hating my place of employment. Even though there was so much that was pulling me down, closer to the lower frequencies that are negativity, I refused to relinquish myself to sadness. I refused to accept the idea of being unhappy as my normal. In today’s society where our layered identities are attacked in various outlets, it can be difficult to find a space and time to just be happy. I had to coach myself through the darker time periods in order to create a light within myself to uplift myself. Below I want to offer some common and most of all FREE techniques to keep happiness at the forefront of your life.

Re-frame your perspective:

In a different post I will break down the science behind happiness, but for the purpose of keeping this post as digestible as possible I will cover the basics. Surprisingly, 50% of our happiness is genetic, 40% is controlled by our thoughts, actions, and behaviors, and finally 10% is determined by our present circumstances. With that being said, while genetics can’t be changed, we can definitely make the efforts to be mindful of our moods and how they shift accordingly. Both men and women experience hormonal cycles once a month that is closely tied to the moon cycle. By examining and studying ourselves in a way where we can predict these fluctuations in hormones and mood we can assign ourselves methods to keep us happy and at peace during those genetic times of upheaval.

Nearly half of our happiness is dictated by the things we do and what we think about. If you find yourself constantly feeling unhappy examine why. Is it your body? Your job? Your relationship? Once you’ve identified what makes you unhappy, and if it is something that you can’t immediately change re-frame the way you think about those things. Find the silver lining, or positivity in the issue before spending time on the negative aspects the next time it pops in your head. Secondarily, if your actions or behaviors are effecting you negatively, change them. This is often easier said than done, but draft a plan and start little by little until you’ve completely transformed the patterns in your life that have you feeling stuck and unsatisfied.

Learn the art of gratitude:

Gratitude is one of my favorite words and forms of expression. Defined as “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation and to return kindness”. While gratitude is categorized as a noun, it is as much an action as any other verb. For myself, my gratitude is deeply connected to a higher power, but that is not true for all of us. Gratitude is more about intention than spiritualism, when we wake up with the idea in our mind that we are going to be grateful for all the good in our life both big and small we are setting the course of our day. Be grateful to be alive, be grateful for our families, be grateful to earn a paycheck, be grateful to see a beautiful sunrise on a long commute into work. When we stop focusing on all that is going wrong and start to appreciate the things that are right both internally and externally we began to manifest better circumstances for ourselves and the ones around us. Letting go of a negative mindset can be very difficult but all it takes is that half second to re-think that initial negative thought and turn it into an opportunity for gratitude.

The second part of gratitude is to return kindness. The best way to receive kindness, love, and opportunity is to give it to others. Helping others also scientifically improves our outlook on life and contributes to our happiness. Whether it’s calling to check on a loved one, stopping to help someone on the street, or something as simple as waving and saying hello to a stranger. These little things will boost the mood of the party you are blessing as well as boost your own mood and give you a greater sense of purpose and happiness in your day to day life.

The Value of Being Alone:

Often times when we hear this we think of spending time at homes watching TV by ourselves, taking the time to zone out at the gym, or reading a book by ourselves. All of these are great ways to start your journey with being comfortable alone, but there are steps that we can take that will truly make us happier people. For at least 15 minutes every day we need the time to just sit quietly, in silence with just our thoughts. Nowadays you hear the term meditation frequently. In essence this is what meditation is, taking the time to tune into your own mind while simultaneously blocking out the rest of the world. As a mom who works full times and commutes to work/school by bus, I do this early in the morning. I wake up at 5:45am and I take the 15 minutes before 6am to breathe, thank God for breathing life into my lungs and set my mental goals for the day. When I’m having a hard day, one where I wake with thoughts of stress and anxiety, I pinpoint the affliction and decide what I can do about it, if the answer is nothing I let it go and relinquish it to God to handle.

For those that don’t find comfort in God, assess whether this problem is so big that it is effecting you currently. Is it stopping you or preventing you from moving forward today right now? If the answer is no, save that problem for the day it is holding you back and address it then. Meditation is checking in with ourselves to remember that we need to be present in this time and space right now. It is removing the stress of tomorrow and the anxiety of yesterday and being happy in the moment that is today.

Working hard at happiness in a healthy and mindful way takes a lot of practice. We are working to rewire our brains and train our way of thought. Sometimes this requires letting go of decades worth of patterns and behaviors, but the pay-out will be worth it. We owe it to families, our children, and most of all ourselves to at least attempt to be happier. Life is too short not to enjoy as many days as we can.

Peace & Love

Why Breaking Up is Harder in Adulthood

By the time you reach your mid-twenties it’s safe to say you’ve had your heartbroken at least once or twice, (thrice in some cases) before, during, and after a break up. A great deal of us experienced our first break up in high school. High school, being the pinnacle of every teenager’s life. The single greatest moment in our lives pre graduation, and the kick to the gut from reality. Most of us can remember our first heartbreak/break up as being devastating. Those tear filled nights post break up that last for weeks, or even months, fail comparably to emotional toll adult break ups can have on your psyche.

    As children the single greatest thing we hoped for was adulthood. Somewhere along the lines we develop this idea that adulthood is synonymous with freedom, when the very cruel reality is quite the opposite. We are rarely free to do anything once we enter the working world. We aren’t free to take days off whenever we please, have unscheduled summer vacations, or stay up way past our bed times.  With adulthood comes good choices, and bad choices. Each with their own set of consequences. The only freedom we are allotted is the freedom to choose between the former and the latter. As children and well up into early adulthood we are also allowed to emote. We can cry if were hurt, we can scream if we’re angry, and we can even take breaks if we are generally having a terrible day. Those luxuries are not here in adulthood and this is my primary argument for why break ups suck as an adult.

 
    Maturity. We are expected to be emotionally and mentally mature enough to handle the side effects of a failed relationship. Friends and family often expect us to pick up where we left off before we met our significant other. They offer words of solace such as “You’ll find better.” “Or be grateful it’s over.” Without fully acknowledging the mental and emotional healing we have all experienced at one point or another due to a break up. 

    Break ups have this way of quietly tearing us apart at the seams, we aren’t allowed to emote with our friends, our families, and especially not at work. There are no bereavement days for break ups. We offer more condolences to the death of a loved one, than the death of a loved lost when the processes are very similar. We take a blow to our self-esteem, that often makes us wonder, are we good enough to actually be in a relationship at all. In high school the break up was almost a social gathering, you rally around your friends and uplift them. As adults, the break up can be a very isolating experience. 

    We are a product of our upbringing. When we haven’t fully dealt with the results of our past it can cause even more emotional upheaval during break ups. I, for example, grew up with an absent father. My relationships have been filled with me trying to please my partners even if it means I’m not happy, and an insecure feeling post break up of “Why do I drive all the men in my life away.” no matter how justified the reason for splitting is. Without acknowledging our past issues it is hard for us not to carry the issues from our last relationship into the next, thus creating a cycle. Even with the acknowledgement of such issues, as adults were expected to just get over it.  When in actuality, repairing our wounds require time, patience, and sometimes a lot of help from others. 

    My final point speaks to the fact that break ups aren’t as simple as they were as teenagers. We don’t break up with our significant others because our secret crush asked us to prom, or because summer break is approaching and you don’t want to be tied down. Break ups happen in adulthood as a result of infidelity, financial strain, difference in family values, and competing outlooks of the future. The reason for break ups are not black and white which can make the aftermath that much harder. It is not uncommon for us to reflect on the, who, what, when, where, and why? We can spend weeks, months, and in some cases years, analyzing why our last relationship failed. That type of internal stress can breed fear that can hinder you from growing healthy relationships in the future. 

    The results of our break ups are somewhat far reaching in adulthood. You can’t just wash your hands of your last situation, you may even be asked by a new potential partner why the last relationship ended. It’s important that as adults we take time to self-reflect and self-repair ourselves. We have to create the space and time to do so, because day to day life simply won’t allow for it. We were in such a rush to grow up, now looking back we realize being a teenager wasn’t all that bad.