Sex and The Single Mom: The Dishonest Quality of Guilt

It took me a while to figure out where to go next with this series. There are so many aspects to single motherhood and single womanhood that coalesce, but are also starkly opposite. Many nights I’m trying to distinguish one from the other, but today, I found one that sits nicely at the intersection of both. Guilt is not exclusive to one gender, it is a feeling, an experience that we become more familiar with as we age. As I’ve grown and continue to grow I started realizing that most of us are experiencing guilt far more frequently than we should. Women and girls experience guilt on a more intimate level. We become acquainted with this experience early in our childhoods. It’s an experience I want to limit or eliminate for my daughter.

As the definition above states, “Guilt is the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.” or “A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.” How many times has the experience of guilt matched one of these two definitions? The 3rd, informal definition, described as a verb instead of a noun, guilt is described as “making someone feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.” Now how many times have you experienced guilt and it aligned with that definition? The answer is higher for the latter than the former.

We are often made to feel guilty about a hoard of things that are outside of our control. We experience guilt for canceling plans when we need to care for ourselves or our dependents. We experience guilt for not being able to say yes, when everything in our being is screaming no. We experience guilt for not keeping a spotless home after a long week. We experience guilt for leaving relationships that no longer serve us. We experience guilt for not liking “nice guys” and for falling for “not so nice guys”. We experience guilt for being. In all these examples, no one is harmed, no great offense takes place. Maybe some easily forgettable disappointment. Who usually loses when we are guilted into doing and being things for everyone else but ourselves? You lose when you allow guilt to take over your personal experience.

“The mother who stays with an abusive partner carries more guilt than her spouse ever will. ”

We owe others far less than we think we do. We owe ourselves far more than we’ve ever been offered. You don’t need permission to feel your feelings, to have those experiences. We deserve to practice a little more selfishness. At least enough that we eliminate the improper usage of guilt. Those who absolutely offend and cause harm rarely have to look their guilt in the face. They rarely have to carry the burdens of their actions. There are so many others who are willing to carry it for them. The mother who stays with an abusive partner carries more guilt than her spouse ever will. The “strong friend” that find’s it necessary to maintain her title, carries more guilt for not answering calls than those who frequently leave their calls unanswered.

We have to honor ourselves by only carrying the guilt that is meant for us. The heaviness of guilt does not lessen, it does not transform. The experience of guilt is a burden, that is an essential part of its effectiveness as a teacher. The burden needs to be felt by the offender, in order for us to transform. When we adopt this burden from others we rob them of their chance to course correct and improve. The identity of womanhood and motherhood has been one of self sacrifice for many years, but we can put that characteristic to rest. We can care for ourselves first, then everyone else. We’ll be better for it and so will the people who rely on us. Let them carry their share.

Programs used: Grammarly
Brief Description: Latest installment of the Sex and the Single Mom, reflecting on the guilt all mothers feel but especially single mothers.

Reflection: All of the Sex and the Single Mom post are deeply personal to me they reflect the complexity of not having a traditional family while highlighting the joy we still have.

Sex and The Single Mom: Dating 101

• Note: Writing this piece was difficult because the nuance around single motherhood is so vast. I found it challenging to condense the results of my feelings, research, and observations to just 1000 words. Sex and The Single Mom will be a series of essay style writings that reflect on the different aspects of single motherhood. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this first piece. My personal perspective. 

   I was 21 when I officially became a single mother, and dating has been mostly a challenge for me. Dating in general comes with its own batch of frustrations, but young motherhood creates a unique system of adversities. Balancing my life, my daughter’s life, and finding a viable partnership that is not based on convincing someone you’re not a compilation of stereotypes can be downright exhausting.

   I’ve made my fair number of missteps, rushed into one relationship, was too casual with another.  Heartbreak sent me into a forced isolation which helped me see my marital and family goals with clarity. At 28, my mindset on dating has shifted. My daughter has a mother and a father who both love her dearly and contribute equally to her well-being.  I’m not hindered by thoughts of needing validation, a ticking biological clock, or loneliness. I’ve often joked with my friends, that I will either get married and have more children, or stay single until 40 and date a divorcee with grown kids, who I can travel the world with.  Companionship is less of a need for me, than a desire, but it’s a strong desire nonetheless. My story is unique, I have help and a strong village to support me, but that isn’t the story for every mother.

 I’ve never seen myself as lacking anything. Regardless of the consensus on single motherhood. Stereotypes of poverty and desperation hover over single moms from all around the globe.  In some nations, the stereotype rings true. The poverty rate for working single parent households in the U.S. is 32%. In comparison, Japan’s rate is 56% , in the U.K. 47% . Women on average are paid less than their male counterparts, so the evidence that single motherhood could cause financial hardship is most certainly there. Financial needs may drive women into the wrong relationships, keep them from dating outside of their socioeconomic status, or just flat out keep them single because the emotional and mental energy required to date, simply isn’t there.

  Single mothers worry about a plethora of pitfalls.  Child predators, insincere suitors, emotional IQ or lack thereof, and financial leeches. Since single mothers are often in a vulnerable position, there are many predatory personalities to be aware of. Having a carefree approach to dating and relationships is not a luxury most mothers can afford. Instead of viewing this perspective as a burden, I find it empowering. By knowing what you won’t accept, you have a clearer picture of what you will.

  7 years of dating, relationships, and heartbreak has made me acutely aware of the effects my love life has on my daughter. I know that she is looking to me, to set the precedent for how a man should be allowed to treat her.  While her interest in boys is still non-existent, I know that the day where they go from annoying to attractive is approaching quickly. Someone who does not serve my mental and emotional well-being, effectively challenges hers as well. A cost too lofty for me to pay for any man. My standards have increased with age and wisdom. 

  The checklist is long, but achievable and well deserved. I have placated men in the past, leveraging my own shortcomings with theirs. If I have this amount of baggage, they should be able to have theirs too.  I carry my added weight with grace. I give my daughter what she needs, and when I need help, I call her father. We co-parent effectively. The idea that I should accept someone else’s baggage because I have my own has melted away. I don’t have baggage.

   Mother, artist, entrepreneur, is my present reality. I am too busy for numerous “Wyd” text throughout the day, and too bored to pretend I don’t see the red flags of a man who is more invested in pussy than purpose. I can’t be available last minute. And sometimes I’ll “flake” last minute cause my child needs my attention more. Dating can be fun, and for the most part it is. Horror stories aside, assessing and examining suitors through the lens of single motherhood has helped me tremendously. I don’t waste time. I speak candidly, and while reciprocity is always wanted, spending time trying to convince someone to love me properly is an irresponsible use of my energy.

  I still want to get married, and I would love to have more children. I genuinely enjoy being a mother, regardless of the circumstances. I take that responsibility very seriously.  I can wait for the right partner to materialize, and if he never does, I can be content with that too. There is too much at stake in raising happy, whole children. My legacy is a living, breathing, 9-year-old, with a lot of confidence and plenty of sass. The partner that is best for me, will breathe life into me, and support me in being the best mother I can be right now. It will nurture my sanity and fertilize my goals. The evidence for what I bring to the table is apparent in the health of my child.

  Single moms are not for the weak-hearted. There is an added layer of responsibility. There is a high level of patience, security, and self-esteem required. In exchange you’ll get a skillset that is unmatched by most. Supreme multitasker, expert financial planner, and a woman who can literally run a household with one hand. Single mothers are amazing. The world takes them for granted, but that has no merit on how we should view ourselves. Don’t settle for less than what you know you deserve, your babies are watching.

5 Things I Learned in 2017

I learned so much this year, it has been especially difficult to reduce everything that has transpired in my life down into 5 lessons. This year, has unfolded in a way that I never anticipated but am exceptionally grateful for. That is not to say, what I have experienced, hasn’t been heartbreaking, challenging, and just down right depressing at times. The last 3 years have been a journey into my own personal perception, and ideals. Recognizing which ones were my own and which ones were a product of my conditioning from both my family and society. I reclaimed old lessons that I had long ago abandoned, and discarded old ways of learning that no longer served me. I have learned more about myself in 2017 than any other year since I’ve became an adult and mother. So, let’s dig into it.

Focus/Define Your Goals

The word “goal” is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, as the end of which effort is directed. Goals should have little to do with aesthetic or short-term gain. Once we reach the end of which effort is directed, we usually shift and define a new end and apply effort in that direction. Goals keep us on track, they keep us accountable, and they give us a good way to track the progression of our efforts or lack thereof. Defining goals should be based around changes you truly want to make from the inside out. Look at the motivation behind a set goal, and will it truly improve your life. Goals should also complement each other. For example, if you have a goal of losing weight and saving money, look for ways that you can save money that will also contribute to your weight loss goal like no longer eating out. With this method, you are rewarding yourself twice for one action. Skip the pizza slice and make a salad at home. You’ve just killed two birds with one stone.

Be Gentle With Yourself

When you are attempting to make great lifestyle or mindset changes you are going to fail. Count on making mistakes. Count on backsliding. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a different person overnight. Any change that is meant to be real and substantial will happen gradually. We afford a great deal of patience with others but rarely give ourselves the same consideration. Don’t be defeated by your thoughts of not being able to stick with something. My friends applaud me for my self-control, but I still see myself as undisciplined and unrefined. I see myself this way because it has taken me years to conquer issues in my life that others feel I should’ve overcame in months, or weeks. The reality is, we’re all refined in some areas and not in others. Keeping in mind, issues that took years to become issues will also take a great deal of time to undo. While I can be disciplined enough to write and publish this piece before the New Year, I’m undisciplined in the way of saying no to an extra pepperoni, extra cheese pizza. Don’t be so lazy and unconcerned that you make a lifestyle out of backsliding, but also don’t be so hard on yourself that you kill your motivation to keep striving. Be gentle with yourself. Talk kindly to yourself. Have the compassion for yourself that you tend to have for others.

Give Your Best Effort

For some people, your best effort will never be good enough, but that should not discourage you from always trying your best. Giving your best, putting your best foot forward is not about being THE best. It’s about doing the best you can do from your present space. Giving our best effort transcends monetary success. Give your best effort in your relationships. Be a better listener, be more willing to learn, be a better communicator.  We all evolve on our own timelines. What is best to you, may not be what is best to me, or may not see that it’s best until later. When we constantly give our best effort, we will always get the results we seek from ourselves.

Always Be Prepared

In the hood, we say “Stay ready so you never have to get ready.” It’s a Black proverb about preparedness. When you keep your focus on improving, your day to day starts to change. You become more thoughtful and aware of your actions. How something small like not laying your clothes out the night before, can make you late to work. That heightened sense of awareness is what being “present” is all about. Being present in the present moment affords you the luxury of accurately preparing for the next moment. Think about the things you do big and small to hold yourself up. Stop living life randomly and start living life on purpose. Stay ready, and you’ll never have to get ready.

Accept Responsibility

This was the hardest lesson I learned this year. I’ve always had enough praise, enough favor in my life that I rarely had to consider what was really causing me pain. From the outside looking in, I’m someone who is resilient, determined, and capable of getting what I want in any case. Unfortunately, that does not and has not translated into me being the best person from the inside out. I’ve been habitually disorganized most of my life. I’ve hurt people by being deceptive. Let people down by being careless. And this year I lost someone I love dearly because of this pattern of self-destructive behavior. I didn’t lose him all at once, like most changes it happened gradually. It happened after I repeated the same mistakes after telling him I’d change, I’d be better, but as soon as we made up I’d get comfortable and fall back into my bullshit. No matter how I twisted the situation, or highlighted the ways he also failed me, the beginning of our demise always found its origins in my behavior. I didn’t appreciate his reactions, and used them as an excuse to stay in my own toxicity. The truth of the matter is, I can’t be angry or resentful at his reactions without first analyzing how my actions brought us to this point.

When we split it was a major wake up call. He intended it to be. He wanted me to see why we were failing as a unit. Why we constantly fought and argued about the same things over and over. It truly opened my eyes, and I haven’t moved the same since. It took me a couple months to really wrap my head around what I was doing to prevent me from reaching my own goals of family and marriage. But once I gained some understanding it was easier to make changes. The path from that point to this point has been so painful, but pain transforms. When I stopped blaming him and started taking responsibility for myself, the ideals we were both striving for started popping up naturally. Things began making sense, and I started seeking out information he was attempting to give to me a few years ago. I had to discard some practices I had internalized from my childhood and from the negative experiences I had before him. I started to look within and pull out the parts of myself I truly wanted to see shine through, with or without him.

I’ve arrived. I’m at peace, I’m content with the direction my life is moving in. I have removed people from my life with ease because it became clear they didn’t care about my long-term growth, only reveling in the person I’ve always been.  These were the same people at the source of many arguments for us. Writing out this lesson was even difficult for me, because I’ve relied so heavily on my outward image that letting that guard down and allowing people to see I make mistakes too has been a huge fear. Your outward intentions must match the work you’re doing internally. For a long time, it hasn’t been that way for me. I was trying to find the easiest route to change while still staying the same and only chaos can come from that. I’ve learned a lot since 2015 (the first time I wrote one of these), but nothing has been more paramount, more life changing than learning to be accountable to myself, first and foremost.

2018 will either be another terrible year or a year for substantial growth. You will either soar, or be knocked out the sky. Regardless of the circumstances, your mindset should be one toward growth. Don’t let another year pass where you are still trying to break bad habits you told yourself you would quit 5 years ago. Don’t let 2018 close without looking yourself in the mirror and figuring out how you tick, why you tick, and how you could tick better. For all those who are anticipating the New Year with excitement and humility, like myself, be grateful for where you’ve been, so you can graciously accept where you’re going. Keep your head up, your grass short, and your heart full!

Peace + Blessings

Love + Light

J.A.H.