Sex and The Single Mom: The Dishonest Quality of Guilt

It took me a while to figure out where to go next with this series. There are so many aspects to single motherhood and single womanhood that coalesce, but are also starkly opposite. Many nights I’m trying to distinguish one from the other, but today, I found one that sits nicely at the intersection of both. Guilt is not exclusive to one gender, it is a feeling, an experience that we become more familiar with as we age. As I’ve grown and continue to grow I started realizing that most of us are experiencing guilt far more frequently than we should. Women and girls experience guilt on a more intimate level. We become acquainted with this experience early in our childhoods. It’s an experience I want to limit or eliminate for my daughter.

As the definition above states, “Guilt is the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.” or “A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.” How many times has the experience of guilt matched one of these two definitions? The 3rd, informal definition, described as a verb instead of a noun, guilt is described as “making someone feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.” Now how many times have you experienced guilt and it aligned with that definition? The answer is higher for the latter than the former.

We are often made to feel guilty about a hoard of things that are outside of our control. We experience guilt for canceling plans when we need to care for ourselves or our dependents. We experience guilt for not being able to say yes, when everything in our being is screaming no. We experience guilt for not keeping a spotless home after a long week. We experience guilt for leaving relationships that no longer serve us. We experience guilt for not liking “nice guys” and for falling for “not so nice guys”. We experience guilt for being. In all these examples, no one is harmed, no great offense takes place. Maybe some easily forgettable disappointment. Who usually loses when we are guilted into doing and being things for everyone else but ourselves? You lose when you allow guilt to take over your personal experience.

“The mother who stays with an abusive partner carries more guilt than her spouse ever will. ”

We owe others far less than we think we do. We owe ourselves far more than we’ve ever been offered. You don’t need permission to feel your feelings, to have those experiences. We deserve to practice a little more selfishness. At least enough that we eliminate the improper usage of guilt. Those who absolutely offend and cause harm rarely have to look their guilt in the face. They rarely have to carry the burdens of their actions. There are so many others who are willing to carry it for them. The mother who stays with an abusive partner carries more guilt than her spouse ever will. The “strong friend” that find’s it necessary to maintain her title, carries more guilt for not answering calls than those who frequently leave their calls unanswered.

We have to honor ourselves by only carrying the guilt that is meant for us. The heaviness of guilt does not lessen, it does not transform. The experience of guilt is a burden, that is an essential part of its effectiveness as a teacher. The burden needs to be felt by the offender, in order for us to transform. When we adopt this burden from others we rob them of their chance to course correct and improve. The identity of womanhood and motherhood has been one of self sacrifice for many years, but we can put that characteristic to rest. We can care for ourselves first, then everyone else. We’ll be better for it and so will the people who rely on us. Let them carry their share.

Programs used: Grammarly
Brief Description: Latest installment of the Sex and the Single Mom, reflecting on the guilt all mothers feel but especially single mothers.

Reflection: All of the Sex and the Single Mom post are deeply personal to me they reflect the complexity of not having a traditional family while highlighting the joy we still have.

Sex and The Single Mom: Baby Making Blues

In recent years, I’ve realized that just as many women, single, married or somewhere in between, are growing more and more adverse to pregnancy. With studies claiming that Millennial women are 50% more likely to experience depression during their pregnancies, than their mothers, it is not a stretch to reason why. With increased cost of living, cost of education, and the fight against generational poverty, many millennial parents are opting for one or two kids only. Some are opting for none at all. In a society in flux, where civil liberties seem to be increasing by the day and gender roles have become archaic, there is variety where there used to be none at all. Now more than ever, women get to choose when and where the right time to have a baby is.

For the vast majority of us, we hope that we meet our match, marry, produce children and raise a family. That is the “ideal” experience. Life doesn’t always play out so smoothly and sometimes single parents are stuck trying to decide if they want more children, and if so what is the best way to build on a mold you no longer fit into. In my first installation of Sex and the Single Mom series, I wrote about the difficulties of dating as a single mother and what that means. Through my own experience, I’ve realized wanting to have children as a single woman is a night and day experience from wanting to have one as a single mother. There is a healthy dose of naivete that comes along with wanting children simply because you’re in love with your partner. Experiencing the pitfalls of parenting and then opting out of the marriage portion, cultivates a wisdom that can only come from life experience.

Mothers, both single and married, can agree that an effective partner in co-parenting is just as essential as any other element of a functioning relationship between adults. Sometimes, people who are great partners don’t immediately become great parents, and awesome parents aren’t always awesome partners. It’s a tricky conundrum to navigate without idealism. So, what happens when a mother wants another child but doesn’t want the same experience they had with the previous father? In my case, I’m terrified about giving my next child a lesser father since my daughter’s dad is exemplary in his duties. Evaluating a lover for relationship and parenting potential has often made me want to give up the idea of having another child. In the air of “Why mess up a good thing?”. Even for those mothers who have had poor relationships with their co-parents, the fear of not wanting to repeat those experiences can be debilitating.

So what can you do, when you want another child but not another head or heartache? You take your time. You honor your intentions by stating them upfront, and you do a serious deep dive on yourself. Identify the ways in which you feel you have been a strong parent and identify the areas you think you need improvement in. Examine the relationship with your current co-parent and do the same exercise of identifying strengths and weaknesses. Lastly, plan for the worst, even if it’s not something you speak on out loud. When I asked a friend’s mom, why she chose to have only one child, she replied, “ I knew I could comfortably provide for one child, and I never wanted to have more children than I could afford by myself.” That single piece of advice stuck with me more than anything else. It was essential for me to identify that I could raise my children on my own income in the event their fathers weren’t able or unwilling to provide their portion. So, while a potential partner’s income is important to me, it’s more important that my money is right.

A good partner and parent should be willing to pitch in where ever, whenever. They should be family oriented, respectful, generous, and loving. This means watching for red flags that will typically appear in how they engage with their own parents and families. Do they speak of their parents in admiration or contempt? Do they see themselves as a parent? What type of parent do they want to be? Women are often too bashful in expressing their desires, in fear of chasing off potential suitors. Enough of that. Anyone who is serious about you should be able to answer all of these questions. They don’t need to be asked on the first date, in fact I recommend you don’t ask any of these questions on the first date, outside of “Do you want children?”. Apply tact and strategy, don’t simply be led by your emotions. Treat yourself like the best option and the best options will gravitate to you, or better yet, you’ll be able to see clearly, who isn’t for you.

Deciding to have a child as a single mother is a difficult decision, as it is for many parents both single and married. It takes so much effort, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally to birth and rear children. We shouldn’t make the decision lightly or base it simply off something as fleeting and temporary as “love” can be. We should think about the fact that having children creates familial connections whether parents chose to stay together or not. You will share grandchildren and big milestone events. You’ll share holidays, extracurricular activities, and day to day responsibilities. Pick a partner who compliments you and your parenting style. Chose a partner you can respect on all levels, even if you inevitably split. Chose a partner you trust to make decisions for your children in the same way that you do. Ideally we should have a good parent and a good partner all rolled in one, but if having children is a priority for your future relationships, pick a good parent first, a good partner will usually follow.

J.H.

Sex and The Single Mom: Dating 101

• Note: Writing this piece was difficult because the nuance around single motherhood is so vast. I found it challenging to condense the results of my feelings, research, and observations to just 1000 words. Sex and The Single Mom will be a series of essay style writings that reflect on the different aspects of single motherhood. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this first piece. My personal perspective. 

   I was 21 when I officially became a single mother, and dating has been mostly a challenge for me. Dating in general comes with its own batch of frustrations, but young motherhood creates a unique system of adversities. Balancing my life, my daughter’s life, and finding a viable partnership that is not based on convincing someone you’re not a compilation of stereotypes can be downright exhausting.

   I’ve made my fair number of missteps, rushed into one relationship, was too casual with another.  Heartbreak sent me into a forced isolation which helped me see my marital and family goals with clarity. At 28, my mindset on dating has shifted. My daughter has a mother and a father who both love her dearly and contribute equally to her well-being.  I’m not hindered by thoughts of needing validation, a ticking biological clock, or loneliness. I’ve often joked with my friends, that I will either get married and have more children, or stay single until 40 and date a divorcee with grown kids, who I can travel the world with.  Companionship is less of a need for me, than a desire, but it’s a strong desire nonetheless. My story is unique, I have help and a strong village to support me, but that isn’t the story for every mother.

 I’ve never seen myself as lacking anything. Regardless of the consensus on single motherhood. Stereotypes of poverty and desperation hover over single moms from all around the globe.  In some nations, the stereotype rings true. The poverty rate for working single parent households in the U.S. is 32%. In comparison, Japan’s rate is 56% , in the U.K. 47% . Women on average are paid less than their male counterparts, so the evidence that single motherhood could cause financial hardship is most certainly there. Financial needs may drive women into the wrong relationships, keep them from dating outside of their socioeconomic status, or just flat out keep them single because the emotional and mental energy required to date, simply isn’t there.

  Single mothers worry about a plethora of pitfalls.  Child predators, insincere suitors, emotional IQ or lack thereof, and financial leeches. Since single mothers are often in a vulnerable position, there are many predatory personalities to be aware of. Having a carefree approach to dating and relationships is not a luxury most mothers can afford. Instead of viewing this perspective as a burden, I find it empowering. By knowing what you won’t accept, you have a clearer picture of what you will.

  7 years of dating, relationships, and heartbreak has made me acutely aware of the effects my love life has on my daughter. I know that she is looking to me, to set the precedent for how a man should be allowed to treat her.  While her interest in boys is still non-existent, I know that the day where they go from annoying to attractive is approaching quickly. Someone who does not serve my mental and emotional well-being, effectively challenges hers as well. A cost too lofty for me to pay for any man. My standards have increased with age and wisdom. 

  The checklist is long, but achievable and well deserved. I have placated men in the past, leveraging my own shortcomings with theirs. If I have this amount of baggage, they should be able to have theirs too.  I carry my added weight with grace. I give my daughter what she needs, and when I need help, I call her father. We co-parent effectively. The idea that I should accept someone else’s baggage because I have my own has melted away. I don’t have baggage.

   Mother, artist, entrepreneur, is my present reality. I am too busy for numerous “Wyd” text throughout the day, and too bored to pretend I don’t see the red flags of a man who is more invested in pussy than purpose. I can’t be available last minute. And sometimes I’ll “flake” last minute cause my child needs my attention more. Dating can be fun, and for the most part it is. Horror stories aside, assessing and examining suitors through the lens of single motherhood has helped me tremendously. I don’t waste time. I speak candidly, and while reciprocity is always wanted, spending time trying to convince someone to love me properly is an irresponsible use of my energy.

  I still want to get married, and I would love to have more children. I genuinely enjoy being a mother, regardless of the circumstances. I take that responsibility very seriously.  I can wait for the right partner to materialize, and if he never does, I can be content with that too. There is too much at stake in raising happy, whole children. My legacy is a living, breathing, 9-year-old, with a lot of confidence and plenty of sass. The partner that is best for me, will breathe life into me, and support me in being the best mother I can be right now. It will nurture my sanity and fertilize my goals. The evidence for what I bring to the table is apparent in the health of my child.

  Single moms are not for the weak-hearted. There is an added layer of responsibility. There is a high level of patience, security, and self-esteem required. In exchange you’ll get a skillset that is unmatched by most. Supreme multitasker, expert financial planner, and a woman who can literally run a household with one hand. Single mothers are amazing. The world takes them for granted, but that has no merit on how we should view ourselves. Don’t settle for less than what you know you deserve, your babies are watching.