5 Things I Learned in 2018

Writing has been so difficult for me. In 2018 I wrote two pieces for my blog after coming off a great writing year in 2017. So here we are 3rd week of January 2019 and I’ve finally quieted my mind long enough to write my annual post of what I learned in the previous year. This will be my 3rd installation to this practice and probably the year I’ve seen the most honest and transformative change in myself. I turned 29 last summer and reconciling what my 20s has been and meant to me has been agonizing and inspiring at the same time. With my 30th birthday a little more than 7 months away, I stepped into 2019 determined to conquer some challenges I’ve been making steady progress on since 2015. Here’s what I learned in 2018.

Healing is About Processing Pain

American society and it’s quickly growing health and wellness industry has catapulted the word “healing” into our everyday lexicon.  With soft pinks, deep browns, and ferns as a common aesthetics, the practice of “healing” is usually centered on feeling good. Allowing yourself to grow past your mental and emotional pain.  When I decided to take my healing seriously and primarily be accountable to myself (see what I learned in 2017) I discovered that the process back to being healthy, starts with pain. There is no transformative process that takes place without pain. From childbirth to weight loss, financial literacy to education. We will rarely accomplish anything without emotional, mental, or physical discomfort.  Healthy processing of pain is what healing is about. Processing pain is about learning healthy coping techniques. Without these techniques we have no choice but to return to our old ways of coping that usually lead back to more pain. If we can think of pain as being a purposeful tool to breaking through the walls our mind and experiences have built for us, as another emotion or sensation on a wide spectrum, we can make conquering it much more attainable. Researching and creating these new habits require patience. So, take in the full knowledge of what pains you and you’ll be on your first step to change. Recognize. Acknowledge. Accept. Act. These are the steps to changing your life.

Boundaries are the foundation of Self Love/Care

From a psychological standpoint, much of our emotional pain that we have experienced from other people is brought on by repeated offenses against our boundaries. Many of us learn that our boundaries are neither recognized or respected in childhood and naturally grow into adults who don’t know how to start resurrecting them for our mental peace of mind. Self-love and self-care are also popular words in the health and wellness lexicon and not surprising also focuses on feeling good. The love of self should translate to the healthy protection of self. Not allowing the ones who are interested in drinking from our cups to take but never replenish. People who insist on engaging with you, whether that be platonic-ally or romantically, must show a firm respect and appreciation for your boundaries. Most importantly, you must show a firm respect and appreciation for your boundaries. Setting boundaries was some of the toughest work I did this year. I had to set boundaries with my family, friends, and past lovers. I had to show myself that I could control the energy coming into and out of my life. Maintaining those newly developed boundaries was the most laborious part. When you’ve let people violate boundaries for so long, them seeing a big red stop sign on their next encounter looks more like an obstacle than a firm pronouncement. Regardless of the guilt, the shame, the impending loneliness we must stand decisively behind our choices and our boundaries. Those who refuse to respect your boundaries don’t truly care. They care more about their desire than your peace. If you don’t stand up for you, who will?

Build with Like Minded People

The first two lessons were lengthy and heavy, so I hope to make the last 3 concise. Build with likeminded people means stepping outside of your naturally developed circle of friends and family to converse and learn from people with similar goals as you. This experience brought so many amazing women into my life.  I’ve been able to build, plan, and map out ideas with other female entrepreneurs and get valuable life advice in the process.  It’s a little scary at first, but if you have confidence in your goals you’ll naturally attract others who also have confidence in the same goals.  Find your tribe and always remind them how special they are.

Observational Awareness

Not to be confused with situational awareness (although they’re similar) is the act of observing your surroundings and yourself in the many day to day interactions we have with people and triggers. When we feel ourselves moving from the space of emotional stability, this is the time to engage, observe, and activate awareness. It is a skill that must be built over time. It requires you to think and examine your emotions before speaking. If we can master this skill we can learn when to acknowledge our triggers externally and when to move on without an exaggerated reaction.  You save more energy for yourself and live more at peace with your choices when you act from observation and not from impulse.

 

Forgiveness

Whew. This lesson right here was the doozy. Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of those who have done us wrong but never apologized are some of the hardest emotional battles I’ve taken on in my 20s. No one does this life thing perfectly. No one has all the answers and gets it right the first time, every time. Forgiveness is the key to truly moving forward. I had to forgive myself for not staying with my daughter’s father and then the following terrible relationship choices I made for myself to give her the two-parent household I didn’t have. I had to forgive my parents for not knowing exactly what to do when they were still kids themselves. The most difficult forgiveness, was forgiving myself for pouring so much love, time, and energy into people who did not have the same desire to pour into me. I spent so much of my 20s trying to convince others to love me properly when I could’ve been loving myself all along. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?  So now I am grateful that I learned this lesson and am now doing everything in my power to love myself as thoroughly as I deserve. In return I’ve been a better mother, attracted better men, and have no unhealthy attachments. Life is good.

5 Things I Learned In 2016

Here we are at the start of another year. 2016 was wild, from the loss of legendary artists and entertainers, to seeing our nation elect its first reality tv star as president. This year has been nothing less than bizarre. This year tore apart our expectations and taught us tough lessons, but we made it through.

Just Do It

The iconic Nike tagline is genius because it’s simple but extremely effective advice. I have always been someone who can get so caught up in the planning of an idea that I often burn out before the first action item is ever completed. While planning is needed to accomplish goals effectively, sometimes the best way to learn your craft is to just do it, and figure it out along the way. We plan because we don’t want to fail but often times failure is our best teacher on what we can do to become better. So stop chit chatting, stop “trying” and get it done.

Keep Going

Yes 2016 was a shitty year, or at least it felt like it. The numerology points to the number 9 (2+0+1+6) and tells us to expect transformation. Is change easy? Hardly. Is it expected? Yes. We are only given two promises in life, that we will die, and that things will change. Discomfort is the key to growth, so we must push forward in the New Year and keep going. I started school this fall, and my first quarter was tough, but I’m not going to quit, I’ll pick up the pieces learn from my mistakes and be better next quarter. Nothing worth having comes without a little effort, and while this paragraph is full of clichés they all apply and they’re all true.

Fuck the Isms

It’s hard not to get discouraged by the racism, sexism, and bigotry displayed in this country over the course of the last two years. Election season was brutal this time around and our country has spoken on how it truly feels about multiculturalism in America. The reality is these systems of oppression affect us all but they can’t stop a freight train. That train being you. Don’t let the ideas of being marginalized actually cause you to marginalize yourself. Your thoughts are more powerful than any outside influence and we must practice positive self-talk and affirmations to keep our spirits high. Your soul is other worldly so don’t let anything of this world stop you from accomplishing your goals.

Keep Your Heart Open

The world has a way of making our hearts heavy, whether it’s dealing with abusive personalities, getting stabbed in the back by someone close to you, or just feeling as if you keep getting slighted by everyone and everything it can be hard to keep your heart open. Remember that you are only responsible for you and your feelings. If you let the actions of others change the ways of your heart, then you’re becoming more like them and losing yourself. Practice meditation, prayer, take a walk, and get some exercise. Keep your mind focused on what blessings are in your life instead of who and what’s wrong. Don’t close yourself off to new experiences and meeting new people just because your past experiences have been negative. Learn to read red flags but give everyone an equal opportunity to show you their intentions.

Make Peace with the Present

Sometimes life just doesn’t go the way we planned for it to go and sometimes we feel stuck. When you feel stuck in life, it seems like there are no options to feel unstuck. I had this problem this year, I wanted to chase my creative endeavors but needed more time and skills to do so, I’m not in a position to quit my 9-5, and the visual design program I wanted to enroll in requires me to be in school full time. How do you manage? Where can you turn when all seems to be wrong with life, but the options to fix it are minimal? A good friend told me in these times, it’s best to be still. Take a second to assess your life currently. Celebrate the parts of your life you enjoy, and find small action items to change the parts you’re struggling with. I took two classes toward finishing my degree, I failed one and passed the other with a B. Does it suck to have failed a class? Yes, but the bigger picture is I went back to school after a 4 year break and I did my best. I’ll take this quarter off and be more mentally prepared next quarter. I’m able to gauge and assess how much time I’ll have to complete assignments and study. We have to be okay with our present situation in order to think clearly about what our next move should be.

I hope this year is a good one for all of you. I’m off to a stellar start, I have a new position with a company that aligns with my greater career goals and I finally feel like I know what it is that I want to do. I hope you all find these 5 lessons helpful and may 2017 bring you a lot of peace and a ton of prosperity. 

5 Things I Learned in 2015

        It’s that time of year again, everyone is making the proclamations of “New Year, New Me” and setting resolutions to be better. How did you do over this past year?  Did you accomplish your goals, did you fall short, or were you completely disappointed by your progress or lack thereof? However you’re feeling about the New Year, if you are alive and reading this then feel an immense amount of gratitude because you made it through this rocky year. The cosmic energy as well as the news headlines have left most of us feeling drained and overwhelmed. For myself, I have had a transformative year full of minimal highs and heartbreaking lows. I’ve gained new strength while simultaneously letting go of my old desires, wants, and needs.  It’s been a year of growth, sprinkled with some complacency, but most of all it has been refreshing. I am entering 2016 with spirits high and no worries, read below to find out why.

1.)    Beware of Toxic People

This is a tough lesson to learn, especially for someone like me who loves very, very, very hard. Our love for someone does not cancel out any negative or hurtful behavior or energy they may offer to us. When you realize someone is a toxic person it is your duty to yourself to remove them as soon as possible. How can you identify a toxic individual? This person will probably display some of the following traits.

·         Offering criticism instead of encouragement.

·         Constantly telling you your ideas, goals, etc. are unrealistic.

·         Judging your appearance, intelligence, and actions.

·         Asserting themselves as superior over you.

·         Tries to start arguments.

·         No matter how much you give to them it’s never enough.

Toxic people often exude negative energy. They see the world in a constant lens of gray and darkness. The perpetual pessimist. They will not aid you to accomplish your goals only distract you from them. Toxic People can also be people you previously had very close bonds with that you have now outgrown. They can be family, friends, an employer, or parent. When we reach new levels of understanding of ourselves and what we want out of life, it becomes necessary to shed old layers. There will be loved ones who fall to the wayside simply because they do not see your vision. Trust in yourself to know when to love these people from a distance.

2.)    Stop Making Excuses

We all have some goals that we have be putting off for years, whether its weight-loss (guilty) or organizing your finances (also guilty), the only real thing standing in your way of accomplishing your goals is you.  I have been developing this blog in my head literally since I was 8 years old. Although I had no idea what the internet would explode to be, I knew I wanted to write, edit, and own my own publication. The only reason Origin of Original is not as successful as it could be, or should be is because I haven’t put the time and effort in. For years we wait for the right time, the right people to come into our lives, and the right amount of income. We wait for everything to be right before we try to get right and it simply does not work that way. We have to put the work in every day until we begin to actualize the life that we want to live. There is no reason you can’t be the person you have always dreamed of starting right now today. I’m not saying it is going to be easy, or that there won’t be moments of extreme self-doubt, anxiety, and a deep desire to quit, but you will never know what cards will be dealt next if you don’t play the hand you have. Do the research, take the time to do it right, but most of all take the first step. That is the only way you will see the success you’ve always wanted.

3.)    Love Unconditionally Always

The world can be very cold and miserable. News headlines are rarely positive, we hear about death and poverty every day. People are struggling to make ends me and the price of living seems to keep climbing. We get hurt by people we loved, shunned by strangers, and taken advantage of by significant others. We carry the weight of all our failures with us everywhere we go, but the only true way to overcome the inevitable sadness we feel at times is to remember to love unconditionally always. Love yourself, love those supportive people in your life, and love the very smallest of things. Show the universe gratitude for a beautiful sunset/sunrise, for a clear blue sky, or a hug from your children. If we focus on our love of life and our blessings then the icy coldness of the world begins to melt away. Release people from your life by forgiving them and moving on. Don’t hold on to anger, grudges, and jealousy, or anything that may taint your spirit. Live in love and be the light for those around you. Don’t let the pain of a previous relationship hold you back from having the one you ultimately deserve. Leave your baggage at the door you just walked through and move forward without the burdens of the past.  Changing your mindset to one of gratitude will change your outlook on the world and transform your life. Try it.

4.)    Stay in Your Lane

God created a lane specifically for you. The universe manifested you into the person you are. Did you know that it takes sperm nearly a week to travel to the egg? Along the way the sperm are killed by the acidity in women’s vaginas and even once they reach the egg the sperm can be rejected by the egg. When you understand the biology of creating a human being then you understand how much of a miracle it is that you are even here. Your time of birth is specific to you, down to the millisecond.  Even twins don’t share the same time of birth. So when you think about it, your own lane is created just for you upon entry into this realm. Stay in the lane God created for you. Be guided by your intuition, your spirit, and your heart. Do what makes you happy but most of all what makes your body, spirit, and mind feel healthy. No need to look at what others are doing just focus on your path, your goals, dreams, and aspirations. Focus on the lane the Universe gifted you specifically.

5.)    Single ≠ Lonely

Single does not equal lonely, please say it with me one more time for clarity. Single does not equal lonely. As human beings it’s biologically necessary for us to be coupled up, at least at one point or another. It is quite natural for us to view single people as undesirable and unattractive. It is biology after all. BUT we are sentient beings. We have thoughts, emotions, goals, and desires.  We have free will and sometimes people choose to be single. Single life is the ticket to truly understanding yourself. It is a time for working on you. Being single gives you the opportunity to focus on your goals and dreams, but most of all your flaws. We need time alone to heal ourselves of the wounds caused by others and the ones we cause to ourselves.  Referring back to lesson 1, don’t hold onto someone who makes you miserable just to prove that you’re not single. Better yet, don’t maintain casual relationships with toxic people while still insisting that you’re single. Learn to love being alone. Learn to enjoy your own company and bathe in your own silence. There you will find peace of mind. Once you fall in love with yourself others will fall in love with you as well, because it will radiate out from your being. Love and respect yourself so deeply that others will have no choice but to follow suit. Single does not equal lonely. Single equals confidence and ambition. The ability to break away from the social norms and establish yourself as a whole before finding you equally whole match.  

2015 proved to be an exhausting year for all in my circle. For myself, I feel as if I have been drug through the mud only to come out golden. I learned my strength this year, I learned that there will always be obstacles but with hard work and dedication you can overcome anything and create the world you’ve always fantasized about. I am nowhere near where I want to be but 2016 has revealed itself to be promising but also mysterious.

Peace & Love 

Motherhood Versus Womanhood

I had my daughter at 19. It is a fact that I am never afraid to share. It is a testament to my strength and perseverance over the last 6 years, but it is also the most complicated layer of my young life. I entered college right before my 18th birthday and I had my whole life planned out. I knew I wanted to be writer, I had prepped myself for this since I was 8 years old. I selected a university that had one of the best communications programs on the west coast. I was ready to chase down a career in entertainment or corporate Public Relations. No one could have told me that almost a year to the day I stepped foot on campus, I’d receive news of my daughter’s imminent arrival.

August 2, 2008 changed my life. Not only did I find out that I was expecting but I was already 21 weeks along. With less than 5 months to prepare for my new arrival my mentality shifted immediately. At 19, I understood fully that my life was no longer about me but instead about this child I was going to bring into the world. My dreams, my aspirations, and what little innocence I had left was relinquished at that point. I was afraid and confused. Not only was I not financially prepared for a child I was not mentally prepared. My grandfather had just died and everything seemed to be moving in fast forward. While I was surrounded by family and love, it was still a very lonely and isolating feeling.

As time went on I began to adjust, my daughter arrived on December 12, after 40 hours of labor and 15 weeks of anxiety nothing could prepare me for the overwhelming love I felt the moment I heard her voice. From that point on I knew that I was a mother, a woman, and a role model. There was no turning back, and although I was only 19, childhood was behind me.

Six years later a lot is different from that snowy day in December. The father of my child and I have split and we have been happily co-parenting for the last 4 years. My daughter has just started kindergarten, taking her first steps into the real world, and now she’s capable of developing life long memories. That last fact is one that concerns me the most. It causes me to second guess every decision and re-think every idea. It has also forced me to revisit what I want to be and who I want to be, as a woman my daughter can look up to, and as a mother she can be proud of.

Motherhood and womanhood are not one in the same.  For many years the traditional idea of gender roles made this to be true, but in an era where woman are choosing to be career women first and wife and mother second that idea has become outdated. So for a modern career woman and mother it becomes a bit of a conundrum to solve. Where is the line between the two and how do you become definitive in both arenas?

I am nowhere near feeling like an expert in motherhood, I feel the way I assume most mothers do. Every year is new. New clothes, new milestones, and new challenges. No amount of parenting literature can prepare for the experience of raising another human life, but just as I mentioned at the beginning of this, couple it with the fact that I just turned 25 and am at that crucial point in adulthood between finding yourself and defining yourself. I love being a mother, I love walking my daughter to school, reading her bed time stories, and playing with her dolls. I love nursing her when she’s sick, putting band aids on her “ouchies”, and teaching her to conquer her fears.  I love every second of it but I am afraid of being nothing more than a mother.

I wanted to do great things and I still do but I often wonder how I can balance my responsibilities and my dreams, and does chasing dreams make me less responsible. Do I have time to be a mother, a wife, and my own person? Most importantly how do I define myself and my womanhood? The fear of being mediocre and average terrify me every day. I wonder if other young mothers feel as I do, or if I am fighting something that is inevitable.

Don’t get me wrong for 25, I am doing pretty darn well. I live in a small 2 bedroom apartment that sits on the beach, I have that great corporate job that I dreamed of, and my daughter is amazingly bright and intuitive. What I want, what I always wanted was to inspire and motivate, to help. I want to give a voice to those that feel lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, who dream of things beyond the typical 9-5. So I am writing you as a mother who wants to teach my daughter and the world that dreams can come true, regardless of the adversity we face. 

For a huge chunk of my adult life I have spent so much time putting others before me. My daughter will always come first. She's at an age where its essential that I put her and her needs first, but friends, family, and significant others have also taken precedent over my needs and wants. My goals have slowly morphed into something I no longer recognize. I've been chasing the idea of a family, because I never had one and also didn't want my daughter to be deprived of that experience either. The results have been damaging. My sense of self worth has become dangerously tied into my success in a relationship as a girlfriend/wife in training. I've tried to play all the parts of a Superwoman without having that "Superman" to depend on. I've damaged myself and others trying to subscribe to some textbook way of living that is neither realistic or healthy. It's left me empty and depleted. And now I'm not really sure what direction my life should move in, what my goals should be. Cause everything I cared to accomplish required the implicit faith in an another person to love in the way that I do. And I don't think most people are capable of that. I am too needy at times, and too distant at others. I'm full of contradictions. I'm flawed, broken, and still recovering from the realization of my existence.You know, that moment you realize  how fucked up your family is and subsequently how fucked up you are because of it. I'm living all of these things right now.

I'm a kickass mother, and I don't have the best of everything but I'm sure my daughter doesn't realize otherwise. She is loved, she is intelligent, and she is confident. She stands up for herself on the playground but is still gentle and loving enough to understand the needs of small children. Her greatness reflects light onto me that lets me know I'm doing a great job at mothering.

Being a woman, and defining exactly what that means is what I struggle with. The first thing I've had to let go of, is being a woman and how it is defined has nothing to do with the man in your life and everything to do with the standards you set for yourself. I'm still learning what those standards are for me. Still learning my own authenticity. I have taken the good things from grandmothers, aunts, and my mother have shown me and decided I wanted similar but different experiences, but the different I was experiencing was not one framed for me, but for someone else by someone else.  But I know I'm on the right track and while things in life aren't perfect, and I continue to be imperfect. I am still trying. Even if I fail today, I'm still trying. And at 25, even with all my uncertainty I know that the woman I am now is still powerful and courageous in ways that my daughter will be proud of, and that  I can be proud of also.

Peace